Feeling much better

I've discovered the culprit responsible for my fatigue/malaise. I've been on 4 blood pressure medications. I decided to discontinue three of the four, the only one remaining was the one I had originally been on. That being Coozar. I believe the major culprit was Norvasc. I've read really intense, negative reviews of the drug, the main side effect being fatigue.

I can't tell you how much better I feel. I keep checking my blood pressure, and it seems to be doing just fine.

My thyroid hormones are still clinically low, but the endocrinologist doesn't want to do anything about it. Although I disagree with this, I won't press the point since it was not the culprit in my most recent bout of a half year fatigue fest.

Reference

Geeesh, I'm so frackin PO'd today. I am applying at one company. Company I am with now, the manager tells recruiter of other company that I would not be rehirable at their company. Throws me a serious frackin whammy, man. I've got other good references, but this was the manager of the lab, you know. The only reason she said that is because she knows how difficult it is to get people to come work there. One tech and a phleb quit over the last 2 weeks on the evening shift. And now it's my turn. I had an opportunity I couldn't refuse, and then this happens. Great! Now What!

I haven't even been paying any attetion to my writing lately, because I've been focusing on getting this job. This Sux!

Process For Storing And Erasing Long-term Memories Discovered

From Science Daily -

The question:

"Are memories recorded in a stable physical change, like writing an inscription permanently on a clay tablet?"


Their expirement:

"Dudai and research student Reut Shema, together with Todd Sacktor of the SUNY Downstate Medical Center, trained rats to avoid certain tastes. They then injected a drug to block a specific protein into the taste cortex -- an area of the brain associated with taste memory. They hypothesized, on the basis of earlier research by Sacktor, that this protein, an enzyme called PKMzeta, acts as a miniature memory "machine" that keeps memory up and running. An enzyme causes structural and functional changes in other proteins: PKMzeta, located in the synapses -- the functional contact points between nerve cells -- changes some facets of the structure of synaptic contacts.
It must be persistently active, however, to maintain this change, which is brought about by learning. Silencing PKMzeta, reasoned the scientists, should reverse the change in the synapse. And this is exactly what happened: Regardless of the taste the rats were trained to avoid, they forget their learned aversion after a single application of the drug."


Their conclusion:

("This drug is a molecular version of jamming the operation of the machine," says Dudai. "When the machine stops, the memories stop as well." In other words, long-term memory is not a one-time inscription on the nerve network, but an ongoing process which the brain must continuously fuel and maintain. These findings raise the possibility of developing future, drug-based approaches for boosting and stabilizing memory.)

Don't read this

This isn't exactly the type of post I was hoping to get back to : (

I'm so tired... I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Tired of not being able to focus more on my family, and less on this curse. What's a ghost to do?

Tired

Is anybody out there?



Hey! I'm still here. I've just been a little more tired than usual. It so happens, that my thyroid hormones are a little on the low side. My damned thyroid is underactive. However, because of another test result, the source may not be the thyroid but the pituitary gland. Regardless, I feel soooooo tired almost all the time. It's a chore just to walk sometimes. I'll see an endocrinologist soon, hopefully. Probably some radiologic exams to follow. I'm just so tired of feeling so tired?



If anyone cares, I won't be posting as often as I was. Hopefully, this is just temporary. As soon as I begin feeling better I hope to begin posting more frequently.

Now What?

Last weekend I purchased Lost Season 3 from the Itunes store. Unfortunately, I can't download to my Zen MP3 Player. It has to be Itunes. That Apple's rotten, let me tell ya'.

Anyway, I had to get Season 3; I just couldn't wait until December for the US DVD release. I will purchase those, too. You know, for the special features.

Now, I have to wait until next February 08 to watch Season 4. Looking forward to it.

A Dickhead's Analysis of Philip K Dick's, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch

Ragle Gum over at The Total Dickhead blog is a self proclaimed PKD scholar and will be conducting a read-along/analysis of PKD's, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch. I bet it's going to be a hoot. Go on over and learn about perhaps the most fascinating, enigmatic writer this world has known.
Oh, BTW, I'm talking about PKD. Sorry, Ragle.

Lost Weekend

Well, it was a Lost Weekend, pun intended. Ha!

I stayed up all night and day watching Lost Season 2. I'm currently browsing the bonus features. I can't believe I now have to wait until December to get Season 3.
Any chance ABC will do reruns?

If it were a book, it would be unputdownable.

This type of intricately interwoven play on plots through flashbacks, etc. really inspires me to write my own serial of stories, so that I may inhabit those worlds, for much longer than a weekend. I feel sort of "Lost".

P.S. Hi, Terrie
MDK

I'm Back

Well, just partially.

This is just a check in. I will have a full post tomorrow. It will concern an article that came from the Scientific American magazine. It concerns trying to find out how groups of neurons form qliques in a heirarchal structure to determine what memory or partial memory is called up, and Mice.

I'm off work until Monday. We're going to shop for my Daughters B-day gift, for next week. She'll like it.

Awesome Writing Blogs!

There are a couple of blogs I'd like to share. Both offer instruction and advise in writing. The first, Author!Author!, if written by Anne Mini; she's answers questions and reviews comments made to her deep and lengthy posts.

The second is He Wrote, She Wrote: How to Write. It is co-blogged by Jenny Crusie and Bob Mayer. Together, they have written ove 45 novels and co-wrote some, as well. At the beginning of the week, one of the two will post on a writing topic. At the end of the week and ample time for readers to comment, the other will respond to that topic, while considering readers comments and questions.

I've been visiting Anne's blog for about a month now, and just found the other last night. Can't say that I'll be able to visit each as frequently as I'd like, but it's nice to have options.

Lost:: The TV Series

We just bought "Lost" Season one over the weekend. I've heard of it before just in passing, and for some reason thought it was just another drab, pathetic reality TV show. Don't ask me why. Once learning that there was much inward journying for the characters I thought I wouldn't mind seeing it. My GF watched part of season one at her friends house (Hi, Shelly!) and instead of renting them we decided to buy the first season. Definately worth it. We watched the pilot episode(s) and about half the season in just one day. I'm watching a couple more tonight. Unfortunately other matters are pressing, like work (ugghhh!)

I like the music they play, however, it would be a thrill if they should ever decide to use any Radiohead.

Focus

I've devised a simple little plan to help organize my print reading. At any one time I'll have a book I'm reading in each of 3 categories: Fiction, Science non-fiction, and a writing book.

Well, at least I say this now. My plan is subject to change at any time, and most likely will.

Fear of No Return

I'm afraid of writing
Of getting started

Will I collapse under obligation
of something meaningful to say?

Or is it I'm afraid when the muse strikes
I'll be transferred and transmigrated,

Transmutated, transubstantiated,translated
To lands, peoples and ideas far away?

Forgetting helps you remember the important stuff, researchers say

From ScienceDaily:

"For the first time, Stanford researchers using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) have discovered that the brain's ability to suppress irrelevant memories makes it easier for humans to remember what's really important. "

It seems our memories are finite after all. This research essentially shows that our prefontal cortex actually aids new memory formation and recall by "deleting" or forgetting less important details. It's kind of like the saying, "When something goes in, something else has gotta come out". I must be an exception to the rule, because it's not usually not the usual meaningless things that go with me, it's usually the really important things that I forget.

"According to Wagner, the findings demonstrate the brain's ability to discard irrelevant memories. "Any act of remembering re-weights memories, tweaking them to try to be more adaptive for the next time you try to remember something," he said. "The brain is plastic—adaptive—and one feature of that is not just strengthening some memories but also suppressing or weakening others." "

A brief primer on the Singularity

Research Fellow Eliezer Yudkowsky from the The Singularity Institute for Artificial Intelligence
wrote a brief 5 minute introduction to the Singularity for a conference and shares it on the Institutes blog.

Essentially he says that an AI will most likely make it's process more effecient and increase it's own intelligence. Not that we know exactly what an AI would think, but it does seem a logical decision to make, and the first one at that. This is, by most definitions, how the Singularity will unfold.

Let's just hope it's on Our side.

Overwhelmed!

As if life isn't complicated enough. I so Frackin' frustrated with myself. I'm trying to push myself, and feel as if I'm about to go over the edge, again. No, it's not that bad, it can never get as bad as that. My mind was the sum negative of what a lost sentience could have become, and yet still be self-aware. What ever that confused, mangled, self could think, anyway.

I'm just frustrated that I don't have enough time to write fiction. Well, I can make it (time) just like every other writer out there. I've even created another blog (a subject I do like and am familiar with, and am experimenting also with adsense) and need to research, etc. I've just bought more books from Amazon, one of which is Write: 10 Days to Overcome Writer's Block. Period. by Karen E. Peterson. I intend to read this one (although in all likelihood it will collect dust onlong with the other 30 some odd books on writing I've amassed). Not to mention the 40 hour work week at the hospital. Stressful job, too. Damn, wish I could go part time. That's my rant!

Radioactivity: Ride The Wave

I am weak, but still strong enough
you must break the bond that ties
still you to I. My Mind is Radioactive
Decay, I weaken . A messenger, I was
A Deliverer I am. Adherence, Deliverance
Ride the wave

Literary Speed Dating

From WritersWrite:

"Here's a new concept for you: literary speed dating. It's like speed dating, but instead of trying to make a love connection you get three minutes to sell your book to an editor."

Hundreds of aspiring authors were present at a New York trade fair (by the date of the article I'm assuming it was Wednesday of last week) trying to sale their pitch to a few dozens agents and editors in under 3 minutes.

"Several dozen agents and editors were taking pitches at Wednesday's "pitch-slam" at the end of a one-day seminar that also included workshops on writing the perfect book proposal. "Don't feel like you're a failure if you don't come out of here with a contract," Lauren Mosko, editor of writers' guide "Novel & Short Story Writer's Market", told her workshop. Analyzing a pitch for a book of women's letters about lessons learned in adversity, she said: "It sounds like a really 'nice' book but there's nothing that really grabs me emotionally.""

Even though only one half of one percent of the 15 million aspirings writers ever get published, to bad I couldn't have been there for a throw at it.

Our Synthetic Futures

Another cool story I found on Wired. Science fiction writer Rudy Rucker imagines what it would be like when we use technology (especially at the nano scale) to benefit ourselves through biological means.

A humorous article yet undeniably possible, Rudy wittingly takes us for a ride into fictive scenarios.

"One last thought. Suppose it were possible to encode a person’s memory and personality into a single, very large, DNA-like molecule. Now suppose that someone turns himself into a viral disease that other people can catch. If I were you—sneeze—oh, wait, I guess I am. Are we completely agreed?"

Atlas of the Universe

Following a link from Wired will take you to an Atlas of the Universe. This site will help you gain spatial perspective of the known universe beginning at around 12.5 light years from our own solar system. Just imagine what could possibly be beyond the known universe. More Universes? Nothing? Exotic anomalies? God? Nothing? Do you get goosebumps just thinking about it?

(From wired.com) Tired: space-exploration movies. Wired: brain-exploration movies

I wouldn't be so quick to call space exploration tired, however, inner space does seem to be the next wave. It is the type of SF that I will mostly be engaged in creating.

From Wired:

"The fantastically imagined anime Paprika, which opens today in New York, offers more evidence that sci-fi cinema is trending away from the stars and planets and zooming towards your gray matter."

DC Mini is some kind of machine construct that allows psychiatrists to enter the dream of a patient. It opened in select theaters in New York on Friday 5-25-07. I'll probably have to wait until it's available on DVD. If you like this kind of SF, I'm sure it's worth a little of your time.

Amazon prime

I bought two more books from Amazon two days ago, and using their free trial of the Amazon Prime service, I got them today with no shipping costs. I'm seriously considering keeping the service. It applies to all items Amazon has in stock. Currently, the costs for annual membership is 79 US dollars. One can also get their in-stock Amazon items overnight for only $3.99 and two day shipping is always free.

The books I bought were: Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self (the first definitive book on depersonalization disorder) by Daphne Simeon and Jeffrey Abugel and Fear of Writing: For Writers & Closet Writers by Milli Thornton.

I've read a little about the Fear of Writing book and am hopeful that I can get over all my hang-ups, and get "tips to type" (fingertips to type).

I will posts summaries on both books when I can.

The end of cosmology as we know it

From Space.com

Cosmologists and theoretical physicists believe that if human knowledge is lost that our decendents billions of years from now may not arrive at the correct conclusion as to the age and origin of their universe.

As the universe expands, the galaxies will separate further from each other and eventually if our decendents are able to observe, because of the vast distance between galaxies, all that they will be able to detect will be the local cluster. To them, the universe will be "static" and will have no concept of the "big bang".

And on a lighter note:

"And, said Krauss, there's a positive side to not knowing the universe's true history: "There'll be almost no static on their TV screens," Krauss said, explaining that if there are no distant galaxies around to emit cosmic rays, the airways will be a lot cleaner."

Geni - 3 Wishes for a Future Internet

From Science Daily

"If the proverbial genie gave Internet users three wishes for an improved network what would they ask for" Peace of mind about secure financial transactions" Protection from hackers" Inventive new applications that improve the quality of life""

"With support from the National Science Foundation (NSF), researchers are working together to design a bold new research platform called GENI, the Global Environment for Network Innovations. As envisioned, GENI will allow researchers throughout the country to build and experiment with completely new and different designs and capabilities that will inform the creation of a 21st Century Internet."

The researchers that the NSF has granted funding for and who will spearhead the project are BBN Technologies, a company that has been in business for 50 years and who also were largely responsible for ARPANET, the forerunner to the internet.

Principal investigator and project director Chip Elliott of BBN says, "GENI will give scientists a clean slate on which to imagine a completely new Internet that will likely be materially different from that of today."

This should be interesting. And I was just getting used to this one.

The "Eyebox2" has you!

From Sciencedaily

"A Queen’s University Computing professor’s invention – recently unveiled at Google’s corporate headquarters in California – provides a unique, affordable way for advertisers to track the effectiveness of their messages by measuring how many people are looking at their billboards and screens."

"Called eyebox2™, the portable device uses a camera that monitors eye movements in real time and automatically detects when you are looking at it from up to 10 meters away, without calibration."

Does anyone remember the 2002 movie "Minority Report" when Cruise's character, Jon Anderton, is going through the mall (after the eye transplant) and all the visual ads appear and they target what he may want. Well, actually is was a Japanese gentlemen's eyes he had and when the scanners scanned his eyes they recommended merchandise based on the Japanese gentlemen's history. Kind of like the Eyebox2 and Amazon combined.

This technology is just a natural advancement and will soon no doubt become even more sophisticated.

Space Junk hits New Jersey home

From Space.com

A family from Freehold Township, New Jersey was surprised to learn that what they thought was a meteorite had fallen from orbit to land in their upstairs bathroom. Originally thought a meteorite, it has since been confirmed as a stainless steel alloy, scrap iron, if you will. No one is sure how it got into orbit in the first place. This will be an interesting one to follow, for sure.

Shifting Realities are not so Cryptic

In November or December of 2002, while living in the trailer at 507 South Hickory, I had ordered a couple of books by Lawrence Sutin. One was an official biography of PKD, touted as the best one of any other biographies. Another book called "The Shifting Realities of Philip K Dick" was one which had various extraneous writings by Phil. Included were his own authors short biography for book jackets, various essays and a chapter in the proposed sequel to "The Man in the High Castle".

Also included were selections from Phil's Exegesis.

I would like to talk about the section of his Exegesis entitled, and bare with me here please:

"The Ultra Hidden (Cryptic) Doctrine: The Secret Meaning of the Great System of Theosophany of the World, Openly Revealed for the First Time (March 2, 1980)"

Yeah, some title huh? In this section, Phil uses his syncretory abilities to mix religions and mythic systems to come up with a possible "System of the World". Isn't it funny how he goes to extreme in mocking his title within the title itself? That's Phil, alright!

Phil claims to use the "highest sources" in coming to this conclusion, those sources consists of many of the worlds religious doctrines in an attempt to explain 2-3-74. His sensationally revolutionary occult doctrine he has derived is essentially this:

"We are dead but don't know it, reliving our former lives but on tape (programmed), in a simulated world controlled by Valis the master entity or reality generator (like Brahman), where we relive in a virtually closed cycle again and again until we manage to add enough new good karma to trigger off divine intervention, which wakes us up and causes us to simultaneously both remember and forget, so that we can begin our re-ascent back up to our real home. This, then, is purgatorio, the afterlife, and we are under constant scrutiny and judgment, but don't know it, in a perfect simulation of the world we knew and remember--v. Ubik and Lem's paradigm. We have for a long time been dying brains/souls slipping lower and lower through the realms, but the punishment of reliving this bottom-realm life is also an opportunity to add new good karma and break the vicious cycle of otherwise endless reliving of a portion of our former life. This then, the sophia summa of the six esoteric systems-seven if you count alchemy-of the entire world. Eight if you count hermeticism. We are dead, don't know it, and mechanically relive our life in a fake world until we get it right. Ma'at has judged us; we are punished, but we can change the balance...but we don't know we are here to do this, let alone know where we are. We must change the "groove" for the better or just keep coming back, not remembering, not reascending."

The preceding was as quoted in Phil's essay.

I was sitting comfortably on the couch, legs crouched, while reading this passage. Liza was playing or watching tv and Tabby was on the computer. As I was reading this, An overpowering sense of Deja Vu nearly caused me to panic. Everything, the same situation; me reading this particular passage of Phil's Exegesis in exactly the same trailer, sitting the same way. I've had deja vu before, but this nearly caused me to puke. I mean, think about it, having deja vu about reading something discussing deja vu. Okay, quick reality check, a few quick pinches, I'm still here, my daughter is playing happily on the floor in front of me. Okay, read on: This is Quoted below:

Phil: "Therefore it can be reasoned that Valis will show as few times as possible, and, if he does reveal himself to a person, Valis will becloud the situation so that the person cannot make the knowledge he has- hence the real situation- generally well known. (NOTE: This system makes use of my ten-volume meta novel. This is valuable to me.)"

Wow! This is enough of examination of this essay for now. I will go over more later. So Valis will indeed obscure any communication or relationship with it. This is of course, to protect our potentiality, of ending suffering some time or another. If too many people know about it, then the knowledge will impede upon our reawakening, and we may all be doomed to repeated cycling, forever. This is the Law. It can not be undone. I wish things were different, if I could make them would I? I don't know. In this system, everyone is given a chance, and we are all given a chance to help others, to be boddhivistas.

So, Phil, could be insane, or sick, hence Valis is not generally well known. I, myself have had mental issues, been in the hospital a couple of times. Valis again, has obscured itself. Even from me, because I still haven't concluded that I am indeed not insane. I could very well be.

I think it could have been later that night or the next night, but I was reading some more about Phil, the part where he and one of his wives see the "older" Phil at the foot of their bed. In my mind I said, "goddammit, Phil, why won't you show your self to me? Give me a sign or something, show me your here."

All of a sudden my big orange tabby cat, who was laying on the bed beside me, wrapped his teeth around my wrist. The bastard wouldn't let go. I had to spat him unfortunately rather hard for him to let go. What the hell? This was the first time he had ever done that to any of us. Tabby was witness to it, and in a sort of question herself.

Later we found out that most likely he was in heat, and this had started as a result. Male cats will sometimes link onto the females neck by biting on them. Well, we had that fixed, we had him neutered not long after, and that seemed to work just fine. Was this my sign? Some fucking sign, Phil. Thanks. That's okay, it seems I've been playing with some entity my whole life, anyway. It was playful much in Phil's own vein.

It was also around this time, in which I had a dream, that some friends of Phil, I'm assuming family too, were visiting with me in the trailer. We were exchanging theories and what not, when suddenly it became the general consensus that I was the spirit of Jane, his twin sister that had died not long after birth. Great goddammit, why was "I" the girl, was all I could think of. Think of it what you will, but I did have the dream, and I had never before postulated that I could have been Phil's sister, Jane. This could possible explain why I feel like I have written some parts of his earlier works, because I had not been yet born (not till 73). We were like Bill and Edie in "Dr. Bloodmoney". You'll have to read to find out what I mean.

Note: This does not mean that I believe I am/was Jane. It is just one of many possibities.

description of television anomaly

That was not the only time in which I remember something from, and those were not the only books remembered. "UBIK", "Dr. Bloodmoney", "Eye in the Sky" are the three prominent books I recollect. In "UBIK", it seems I remember all of the psychics and their introductions, especially. In the "Eye" I remember the bevtron accident, and the individuals trying to help them, and especially the part where they are on the balloon and then it falls. Also the end where the two main characters invent the machine, and decide to work together.

In "Dr. Bloodmoney" it is more like what do I “not” remember. Everything about Stuart McConkey and Hoppy Harrington is familiar, especially the part where Hoppy is trying to repair the electronic equipment and he ends up using psychic abilities to do it. That in particular, was perhaps one of the most familiar of all to me. Except that scene seems to take me back to my experience with the radio in '88, maybe even a few other parts. Actually, some of it seems to come from '88 and some seems to come from the other time I am about to describe.

It was the summer of 1986, and I had been sent to my biological father's home for part of the summer. It was my first time on a plane, but I found it very pleasurable. I was introduced to my dad's new wife and two of her sons and her one daughter. My dad's wife's name was Michelle, her daughter was Amber and her two sons were Jon and Dennis. Jon lived with his father and I did not see too much of. Dennis, also called "tigger" or "tig" lived with my dad and his mom. He was about 4 years older than I was. We became friends instantly. He was like the big brother I always wanted but never had. He taught me a little bit about the old Commador computer he had and took me often to his friend’s house and taught me to dive even.

We did a lot of things that summer and had lots of fun, but the one thing that stands out the most is the experience I had while alone one night. Dad and Vickie were out somewhere, I forget where. Dennis was at work at some fast food joint.

I was at home by myself watching television in a recliner. I decided to change the channel, so with the remote in hand while I was sitting on the recliner I began changing the channels. After one click, all of a sudden, I say my own self in the television doing what I was doing right at that moment. I stood up. The me in the television stood up, too. I changed the channels rapidly. Oh My God, I thought, what the hell is this? What's going on I cried out in my mind. It was like there was a camera behind me some where and I was being monitored and broadcast on every channel on the television. I quickly looked around, ran to the exit door and dashed outside. At least outside I wasn't alone. There were other people. It did not matter that I did not know them. But they were alive, real. I was severely freaked out.

This couldn't be happening. I don't know how much time I spent outside before I finally came back in. Everything else is a haze.

I remember wondering if Amber and or anybody else may have been playing a practical joke on me. I really did try to think about it logically. Albeit, I could come up with nothing. It remains an enigma. Although, I am fairly certain no one was playing a practical joke on me, and it is what it is, a mystical experience. I don't think it is schizophrenia, because most schizophrenic hallucinations are rather fragmented, not fully experienced sounds and sights for the brain to interpret. Also, they are usually derogatory in nature. Not ever neutral. Those two instances were the only "hallucinations" I have ever had, or at least, that I recollect. It could also be hypnogonic in nature (that point where you are almost asleep but not quite, and the days experiences and other memories flood your mind, and play out in nonsensical ways). I don't think that was the case, either. I'm familiar with hypnogonic associations and they were nothing like the "visions". I'm therefor inclined to think that they are indeed real. But, like everything else Dickian, I may still be obscured from reality.

Reading more books, description of musical anomaly

Once we had settled in at the trailer things seemed to get better. Tabby was happy that I was working again and planning on finishing school. Liza was had just started Kindergarten. She was doing extremely well. I continued to read Phil's books, although I had never planned on reading all of them. It was sort of taboo. What happened once I had read every single piece of writing Phil had ever produced? Would the world then end? I was not sure and was not ready to find out, either. I would just keep at a decent pace. I probably read about fourteen of his books (most of them the "works" that he is known for) between then (August) and March of the next year (03).

The very first was Valis, followed by (and I'm not sure in which order): Ubik, Martian Time Slip, The Divine Invasion, Radio Free Albemuth, Time Out of Joint, Dr. Bloodmoney, A Maze of Death, The Man in the High Castle, The Transmigration of Timothy Archer, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, A Scanner Darkly, Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, and The Penultimate Truth.

Most of these I got from Barnes and Nobles, although they usually had to special order them for me. It seems they only had a select few on the shelf, which was a real shame. The Penultimate Truth, however, I had to buy used from one of Amazon dot com's contracted online book stores. Once I had received it, some one had scratched a note on it that said: "Hi, Thanks" and was signed "Phil Thomas". How interesting! Phil's "other" that he felt he had been was Thomas in the New Testament. Perhaps it was purely coincidental, and this guy just likes to sign on the book orders, or perhaps he knew a little about Phil Dick and was just being funny. Although, there is the likelihood that it was "meant to be", even if this guy knew it. It was still interesting even if turns out to mean nothing, and is nothing. But to me, especially at the time, it meant that I was on the correct path to discovery.

Okay, I just found a paper that I listed which books I read and which order, at least for most of them. It is as follows: Valis, The Man in the High Castle, Flow my Tears the Policeman Said, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, UBIK, Dr. Bloodmoney, A Scanner Darkly, Time out of Joint, The next few I'm not sure in which order but this is how I have them listed next: Eye in the Sky, The Divine Invasion, A Maze of Death, Martian Time Slip.

Valis was interesting, but did not bring anything into memory, it did not mean anything to me (as far as memory is concerned). However, "The Man in the High Castle" brought back memories, somehow. From the creation of Mr. Tagomi to Robert Childan, and Frank and the jewelry shop. It was all so weird. It was like I had made these characters myself. Suddenly, when I first started having these strange sensations, I felt as if I had penned the words; "he said" and "she said" umpteen million times. Like I was a writer at one time, a long time ago. What the hell was going on? I especially remember when Mr. Tagomi witnesses the alternate world, and even more when he is forced to kill the two Germans. Oh my God! The grasshopper does indeed lie heavy!

This particular instant brought me back in time to a surreal, fuck it! No. A fucking Supernatural experience I had. It felt as if I had something to do with writing this book back in 1988 or 1989. I forget which year. Since 12-14-90 I have forgotten some things that happened before 12-14-90. Nevertheless, on a particular night (it was early morning actually, and yes I had been up all night but I was wide awake) I had decided to go for a jog around town (when I first typed this current sentence I had typed "a jog around time". Hah! talk about your Freudian slip!). I was listening to a dual sided tape in my tape player "boom box" as I was putting on my shoes. I heard a song that was on the other side of the tape overpowering the song that was currently playing. That does occasionally happen and nothing is supernatural about that. Then I realized that that song was NOT on that particular tape that was in the tape deck. What? I was thinking, "This isn't right". I pressed the off button on the tape deck. The music played on, even more crisp and clear than it was before.

Determined to find out what the hell was going on I unplugged the tape recorder and fan (I thought perhaps the fan was causing me to not hear or interpret correctly. I turned everything off that was running in the room. Coming smoothly as if they were playing right there in my room was the song by Loverboy, "This could be the Night" right smack in the chorus. Knowing everything was off I also turned the light off, stepped out of the room and then switched the light back on and stepped into my bedroom. This time the music was crystal clear AND coming directly from beneath my bed. I walked over to my bed and lifted the sheet that was sweeping the floor while kneeling down to peak beneath it. Nothing was beneath it, except for the sound emanating from the apparent air. Holy shit, boy was I freaked. I immediately darted off to my mom and step dad's bedroom. There I stayed until it became light. Mom woke up and told me to go back to my bed. I told her what happened and told her I would go in there as soon as it was. l do remember thinking that I had been frightened at something that was essentially free energy. I did not know why I was afraid. This could actually benefit people. I tried to make the best of a confusing situation. But then I had other nagging thoughts, like what if it was my peers, those pricks and bitches. What if they had something to do with it. I could just imaging them somehow peeking into my room (maybe it was their collective consciousness) and laughing at me. Fucking with my mind in this sense, just like they always did in the physical sense Then I also thought if it were the Russians, doing some kind of experiment with the air waves. That was the more practical of the other theories. Of course, there is "what if I had only imagined it"? Well, I know what I imagine and what I really perceive as real. And believe me, this Really happened.

Then, there were more novels of Phil's that I had "remembered writing/reading/collaborating?" all during this time at this house, more importantly it seemed, on that one particular day when I heard music under my bed singing "This could be the Night". Those novels include "The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch", and also "Flow My Tears the Policeman Said". In "Flow my Tears" some scenes that I seem to remember from a different time/place are 1) the scene in which Jason Tavener is darted by the pneumatocysts of the octopus-like creature 2) the scene near the end when the Felix is talking to the African American at the gas station. I know there are more scenes that I remember something from but I would have to reread the novel. It's been about four years since I have last read them. In "The Three Stigmata" I remember having read before or written before the opening scene in which the colonists are doing the perky pat layout and they try to squeeze their minds into the one body. 2) the scene in which Leo Bulero is running from the creature that was beneath his desk (when he thought he was back in the real world). 3) The part where one of them is in the future when two future earth men with "big dome heads" are talking.

I should also point out that while I was reading this book, more exactly when I just read the part about the introduction to chew Z, I had gone to a convenience store (it was Huck's) to get something, maybe lottery tickets, who knows? Anyway, right on top of the check out counter lay a box of candies, which were called Chew-Z! That was the first time I had ever seen them. Another one for the interesting synchronicity files.

Phone deja vu, going back to school, move to another house

One incident I remember well in that house occurred one day when we were trying to get the electric transferred over to our name. It was such a big fiasco. Apparently, my mother had used one of the kid's name so she could turn electric on in her name, because my mother had owed a prior bill to them. This type of thing is typical with her. Well, the kids' last names are the same as Tabby's, and it looked rather suspicious to the electric company because she had the electric Britney's name and ran up the bill without paying for it, again. Naturally the electric company reps were giving Tabby a hard time. She was trying to explain what was going on. I could sense the desperation in her voice as it quivered at the uncertainty. I felt a nagging sense of doom lingering over us, and then deja vu hit slapped me in the face. Smack! Hello, we've been here and done this before, this exact same thing. You know it's true!

We eventually got the bills worked out. Another instance occurred just a couple of days later. We had come home from somewhere and attached to the screen of our front door was a note. It had something to do with a car lot in Braxton, just twenty miles east of us. That of itself was not remarkable, except for the deja vu feeling I got with it.

I started seeing my psychiatrist again and got on the right antidepressants and began to feel much better. I started reading more of Phil's books. They were like a therapy for me. His protagonists find themselves in much the same situations as I had all my life, and they said: "Okay, I'm here now, now I need to make a plan and use it to the best of my advantage", be it they find themselves in a parallel universe or another planet. Life goes on. And that is exactly what I had figured upon, as well.

I decided to call the medical technology program director at the hospital in Capeston and see if I could finish out the program, some how. Luckily, grades are kept on file for one year, and I wouldn't have to pay any more tuition. All I had to do was finish a few rotations I had started earlier in the year that I did not finish and go to a few lecture series, then I could graduate with the new class. Finished. That was all set up. Now, all I had to do was start working again to bring some extra income into the house. I started working back at Manpower at the Procter and Gamble manufacturing site, doing quality control and various other tasks on diapers. Tabby and I had the same shifts, so we left Liza at mom's and off we went. We started bring in more income, and with my provoking Tabby to move, we finally did. That house we were in was like a death sentence. Nothing good would come of it.

So we moved into a trailer at 507 South Hickory street in Trent. It sat front facing the highway, part of a trailer park. We got lucky, because the trailer we got was actually fairly nice. It had a decent sized front yard, the frame of the trailer had wood planked siding that looked like bark peeling from a tree.