Desperado

How many more times and in what ways must the Universe show me my way? Alter my course? Should I keep denying the inevitable? Let go? Give in? Surrender? Fight? A call to arms? A treaty, a truce?

How many possible worlds are there? How many realities? As long as there is still a possibility that all this could still be a coincidence, a play on statistics, I must remain skeptical. Until I feel... I know intuitively, then I'll keep searching, wandering, wondering...

About 10 weeks ago I was traveling to Missouri after having spent about two weeks in and around Taos, New Mexico. I had almost secured a roommate situation in Taos. Something for which I went to Taos from Pennsylvania with the intention of doing.

Despite feeling very much at home, there was much uncertainty and ambiguity about my being there at that particular time. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. Therefor I set out from New Mexico to Missouri where I had planned to spend a little time with family while looking for my own place nearby. At least while I recoup.  

I was brokenhearted leaving New Mexico. I really wanted it to work. Living on such a beautiful and spiritual land and being around so many others of like mind was something I felt I needed at that juncture. If circumstances were different it would have been ideal. However great it seemed beginning again, even in such a wondrous place, seemed more stressful than I had imagined.

Living in Missouri would allow me to be with family in the general area I grew up. An area I was familiar with. My Missouri family and I aren't the closest but even that is a small price when one needs rest and a little support, even if it's unspoken.  It was also closer to Pennsylvania where my daughter currently resides. It's ironic that I can't be near the one I love more than any other. She's in her senior year of high school. She and her mother come to visit in Missouri a few times a year, which will provide me more visiting opportunities.  Pennsylvania has too many negative memories for me. It seems I am not meant to live there under my current circumstance, if any.

Being on the road, living in a car, even though exciting as it can sometimes be, can also a lonely venture. I felt I needed somewhere to stay for a while, to work on what it is I feel I'm here to do. My purpose. And part of that purpose is to write. So it was the frame of mind of regret, confusion, and reluctance in which I set out leaving the Land of Enchantment on the afternoon of August 16.

The drive to Missouri wasn't nearly exciting as the drive to New Mexico. I felt as if I was retreating, tail between my legs. Perhaps all I was meant to do was to get in touch with the land again. I did begin hearing the Hum again, after a two or three month absence. I am currently hearing it (very potently, I should say). I'll say more about that in a subsequent post. 

Was it really surprising that the Universe should send me another message? I was about 30 miles east of Tulsa, Oklahoma about 1:15 in the morning when the phenomenon occurred. About an hour before that I had been listening to 92.9 BOB FM and had use the seek function to tune in another station for a bit. I pushed the seek button again around 1:15 and it immediately tuned to 92.9 BOB FM. I looked at the LED display and to the left of the station information I saw my name "Marvin" in the display. It remained for a second or two although I'm uncertain of the exact duration. The song playing was "The Heart of Rock & Roll" by Huey Lewis & The News. The song must have been halfway through because about a minute later "Desperado" by The Eagles began playing. Curiously, it was "Desperado" that attracted my attention rather than the song playing at the time I saw my name.

Desperado seemed to be my state of mind throughout my entire life. Always searching for what I'm supposed to be doing on my own. Never having anyone to lean on. Perhaps it was time for me to realize that I didn't have to do this on my own. Whatever that means...

A few days after I had reached my destination I phoned the station to inquire about the playlist for that evening. I'm not quick to jump to thoughtless conclusions so some research was in order. I thought perhaps a song by Marvin Gay or any other artist sharing our name could have aired immediately before "The Heart of Rock & Roll". Unfortunately the playlist was unavailable. I believe if there was a radio personality with my name the lady I spoke with at the station would have informed me, especially after I had explained the situation.

If that situation was indeed meant for me, am I on the right path in my interpretation? Is it so baseless? By what mechanism was this message relayed to me? Was it a time manipulation, in that myself and other external events were situated so that I would see that at that particular time? If so, then it would appear not to be a manipulation of events by a conscious entity. How can one differentiate this from coincidence? If this was a manipulation not involving time travel how could this have happened? Who is my hacker? Where are they from? Was this done benevolently or malevolently? What do they want? 

As evident, my experiences often incite more questions than knowledge. I wonder if I should be tackling these mysteries and puzzles by different strategies. 

A More Accurate Description of the Television Anomaly

Dear friends,

Due to the fact that I'm shaking the dust from my memoir in progress it's time for me to come to terms and come clean with something that has been burdening me for quite some time.

There is a second version, and most importantly, a more accurate (I believe to be so) version of what transpired the night of the Television Anomaly.

Please read Description of Television Anomaly before you read the rest of this post if you haven't done so already.


What I experienced at the core hasn't changed. And I'm unsure whether or not there is any more or any less mystical or other significant relevance between the two.

So, in this second version as I am watching television I then see myself in the television sitting in the arm chair. As if the me in the TV was watching me in his TV from his own reality. A mirror-like reflection.

I see a mirror reflection of myself. I'm still at an angle to the television, and everything else is the same as earlier written. Startled, I stand up and change the channel. My heart pounds in my chest and I feel my face flush as I witness myself changing the channels, only to see myself in front of the chair, changing channels. Like I wrote in the first post, I bolt out of the apartment.

For some reason, this seems to be the version that really happened and the one I wanted to tell from the beginning. Memory is so fickle. Research has shown that as time passes our memories become more vague. The memories often vary each time we summon that particular memory or set(s) of memories, and can even morph into completely different mental experiences.

So there are two important differences in the versions

1. The first is of my head at a semi profile as whereas the second I see my face head-on but at a slight profiled angle.

2. In the first version I see myself within the "TV ad infinitum", In the second version there is no "TV within the TV"



There are at least two primary options for me to conclude at this point.

1 - The first version is true
2 - The second version is true


However, there are other options such as perhaps both are true to a degree.

This can be partially explained by lets say that the second version is true: It was a mirror-like reflection. Now lets say that at that exact moment, I had an OBE or an Out of Body Experience. And the position I'm in at that point (the OBE me) is behind the chair at an angle looking at the physical me at the chair.

This would explain the first inconsistency of the position in which I saw myself viewing the TV me, but not the TV within the TV's. I'm beginning to wonder if this was perhaps an embellishment on my part post Philip K Dick influence.

How could PKD have influenced this memory?

PKD often wrote about spurious realities and more important to this particular situation, multi-level realities. Realities within realities, ad infinitum possibly.

description of television anomaly

That was not the only time in which I remember something from, and those were not the only books remembered. "UBIK", "Dr. Bloodmoney", "Eye in the Sky" are the three prominent books I recollect. In "UBIK", it seems I remember all of the psychics and their introductions, especially. In the "Eye" I remember the bevtron accident, and the individuals trying to help them, and especially the part where they are on the balloon and then it falls. Also the end where the two main characters invent the machine, and decide to work together.

In "Dr. Bloodmoney" it is more like what do I “not” remember. Everything about Stuart McConkey and Hoppy Harrington is familiar, especially the part where Hoppy is trying to repair the electronic equipment and he ends up using psychic abilities to do it. That in particular, was perhaps one of the most familiar of all to me. Except that scene seems to take me back to my experience with the radio in '88, maybe even a few other parts. Actually, some of it seems to come from '88 and some seems to come from the other time I am about to describe.

It was the summer of 1986, and I had been sent to my biological father's home for part of the summer. It was my first time on a plane, but I found it very pleasurable. I was introduced to my dad's new wife and two of her sons and her one daughter. My dad's wife's name was Michelle, her daughter was Amber and her two sons were Jon and Dennis. Jon lived with his father and I did not see too much of. Dennis, also called "tigger" or "tig" lived with my dad and his mom. He was about 4 years older than I was. We became friends instantly. He was like the big brother I always wanted but never had. He taught me a little bit about the old Commador computer he had and took me often to his friend’s house and taught me to dive even.

We did a lot of things that summer and had lots of fun, but the one thing that stands out the most is the experience I had while alone one night. Dad and Vickie were out somewhere, I forget where. Dennis was at work at some fast food joint.

I was at home by myself watching television in a recliner. I decided to change the channel, so with the remote in hand while I was sitting on the recliner I began changing the channels. After one click, all of a sudden, I say my own self in the television doing what I was doing right at that moment. I stood up. The me in the television stood up, too. I changed the channels rapidly. Oh My God, I thought, what the hell is this? What's going on I cried out in my mind. It was like there was a camera behind me some where and I was being monitored and broadcast on every channel on the television. I quickly looked around, ran to the exit door and dashed outside. At least outside I wasn't alone. There were other people. It did not matter that I did not know them. But they were alive, real. I was severely freaked out.

This couldn't be happening. I don't know how much time I spent outside before I finally came back in. Everything else is a haze.

I remember wondering if Amber and or anybody else may have been playing a practical joke on me. I really did try to think about it logically. Albeit, I could come up with nothing. It remains an enigma. Although, I am fairly certain no one was playing a practical joke on me, and it is what it is, a mystical experience. I don't think it is schizophrenia, because most schizophrenic hallucinations are rather fragmented, not fully experienced sounds and sights for the brain to interpret. Also, they are usually derogatory in nature. Not ever neutral. Those two instances were the only "hallucinations" I have ever had, or at least, that I recollect. It could also be hypnogonic in nature (that point where you are almost asleep but not quite, and the days experiences and other memories flood your mind, and play out in nonsensical ways). I don't think that was the case, either. I'm familiar with hypnogonic associations and they were nothing like the "visions". I'm therefor inclined to think that they are indeed real. But, like everything else Dickian, I may still be obscured from reality.