Monday, December 23, 2013

A New Mind of Old?

The/my writing that I seem to remember from the mid 1980's was very much like the pulp science fiction of the mid century. In some fantastical way it was that very same pulp fiction (at least if I am factually accurate in my co-creation of PKD's works, but alas, we will probably never know). It will always be an instinctual thing, a gut feeling. A divine knowledge. The writing seems to me equivalent to the mind of a teenager, one somewhat in tune with the times. My mind. Almost immature to be sure. Like a child's active imagination. If I did indeed find some way (insert myriad methods here) to help Phil create those stories then what is the equivalent today? The stories I am creating and will create are to be fashioned after what likeness? All I can do is to try to sell them in today's market, this present world, because I have no idea if/when some remnants of these stories will be ferried off to a distant universe or the past or wherever or whenever they are destined to go. Are they to be literary in nature? There really is no decent paying market for pulp fiction anymore. Anyway, I have evolved since my time as a teenager. Not always for the better, but evolved nevertheless. I am both more sophisticated and more tortured. I'm not sure I'm up to the task of literary writing. I'm more of an ideas person, as you can imagine. And I feel my ideas and execution must be perfect. It's this kind of rut and obsession in my thinking that keep me from being productive. I just don't know what to expect of myself. Perhaps it is someone else's turn to mystically help me. Universe... Pay if forward.

No answer...

As I thought...

I am my own and on my own I will.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

A Course Correction

A course correction... is it longstanding this time? Is it merely my way of not committing to a timeline? A goal finally reached?

Once again, I am shifting direction and will begin working on my autobiographical science fiction novel. It will most likely be the same name or one similar to that of the memoir I've been working on, Alienus Tempus. 

Sometimes I feel that I really do need to get my story out, in all it's unbelievable details and facts, and my interpretation of those events. However, I'm just not sure it's the appropriate time.  My Heart and Will is continuously drawn to the fiction. I have many different projects I've worked on over the last 11 years. My mind keeps wandering to the playground of the imagined. It's where I can be most creative and concerning the autobiographical novel, I can fictionalize my experiences and if/when it gets to the public then they can interpret it as they wish. It is this way in which I can also cloak the truth of my experiences, or at least my truth. It is also the way in which I can endlessly pontificate and play with those scenarios and possibilities without having to say "This is it!". Will I ever reach a penultimate truth? Not sure... not sure that it is even possible. In fact, I'm not sure if I even want it to be possible. So now that you know my MO, be aware that it could change at any time. 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Where's the Hum?

I've yet to update on the two dreams (one of which I had forgotten about) involving President Obama. But that will come soon.

Of note, however, is the fact that I haven't felt or heard "the Hum" in nearly 7 or 8 weeks. I am currently staying at the Salvation Army in Modesto (most likely not for much longer). It's a building that used to be a nut factory/warehouse (oh, the irony). It's a very large rectangular body, of the kind in which I would most usually able hear the hum. It's rather disturbing to me. I feel as if something may be wrong, or that I am on the wrong path. I'm in the veteran's homeless program and I can stay here up to two years, however, there are more cons than pros for me staying here. Not to mention that they take 30% of my income. I'm very restricted and it's decreasing the feeling of freedom that I had felt before coming here. Yeah, living in my car has it's disadvantages, but being trapped in my efficiency apartment in Pennsylvania (even though I had no restrictions) and then feeling trapped here has reaffirmed that I need to be mobile once again. I was hanging out in Santa Cruz before a severe toothache and infection brought me to the SA shelter. A relative of mine volunteers here (he himself having gone through the civilian program) and he told my mom who in turn told me about the program. This place is beginning to suck my soul just as Pennsylvania did.

I'm not saying it's a bad program, it's just not for me. The fact that I am unable to perceive the Hum is definitely a concern of mine. It may be nothing, but I'd still like to know what will happen when I leave.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Am I Excluded from The Human Touch?

Here I am, using my Blogger iPhone app to make a post. Haha! And it takes the heartbreak of a woman to get me to post. Despite the most recent dream involving the President Obama and the presidency in general (about 3 weeks ago) I post because alas, I am lonely. 

I have important things to do (potentially of the most important kind) and yet I'm paralyzed of moving on because I'm just looking for a little bit of that human touch as Bruce Springsteen so delicately touches us with. 

I'd like a relationship but sometimes I just want to play, with as many women as possible. But so many near misses. What is going wrong? Universe? Do you want my help? Tit for Tat!!! I'm going to start calling you on it. The Universe entity I'm referring to is in the guise of many. Separate Universes. The Universe, gods and goddesses, ET's, governments, our own US government. Come on... You have intelligence and spies. Dress someone up and send her my way. Let's have a play date, shall we? Keep me occupied for a while. Then perhaps I can do what I need to do. Even I need to see my wild oats ;-)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

To Whom can I Request Asylum?

If there were such an agency, terrestrial or not, would I even want to? Hell, I can't even be sure the agency(s) to which I would apply to aren't the ones actually interfering with my well being.

However, that being said, I wonder if the intelligence leaker Snowden will be granted asylum by Russia? I don't know enough about the situation to say much, other than I wonder if they would grant me asylum? Perhaps they could get their psychic program afloat again. Haha! Maybe, they are the ones interfering with me and not my own US government. And if not my own government, then who the hell am I seeking asylum from?

Perhaps the world governments should be a little more concerned with all that I have revealed in my short time. There is much, much more. The sooner the better for the planet, humans included. I know certain factions are monitoring my ramblings, and you should really contact me in an official capacity. I really do want to help.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Where am I Going? Where have I Been?

I'm about to visit the Land of some very special People.I feel like I'm supposed to. One of the many suppose to's. I attempted this nearly four years ago and thought about it again two and a half years ago. I couldn't go through with it. It's not that I didn't want to, but I was afraid to. Would my life change once I went. Would my Destiny Manifest, or would it be all for naught? Perhaps neither. Just another step along the Path. Albeit a very, very important one. I'm not sure how they will receive me, if they will receive me. Will they know me? Do I know me? Will they remind me? Perhaps I don't want to know who I am, or was, and it's that reluctance that repels me from a Most Honorable People. Perhaps it will be for me and me alone.

Places shouldn't matter. I am Everywhere, and I am Nowhere. It's the Human Spirit and their respect for their Home that makes the Land Sacred.

Don't be led astray. Incorporate, but don't be enveloped. Stand Fast!


Thursday, June 13, 2013

Free at Last

Despite being homeless in a state far away from where I previously had a home, I couldn't feel more free than I do at the moment. Living sequestered in that apartment in Pennsylvania was destroying my heart and soul. I was almost literally trapped in my apartment. I am camping on Federal lands inexpensively (cheaper than rent). I'll be in the Taos,  New Mexico area for quite some time and have even submitted my resume for a position in the lab at one of a nearby hospital. In a way, I'm not sure if I want to stop camping, living in car, whatever. I feel so free and unbound, and I can carry on with my work (writing, learning, teaching, playing, etc.). I am tempted by the stability of a full time job, in addition to being able to date with money in my pocket. A part of me screams, NO! It's not time yet. My "camping" journey has just begun and Taos is but one of many brief respites along the way. Not sure what I will do but I know I am truly living in the moment as much as I can.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Searching for Fragments of My Consciousness

I'm in the beginning stages of undergoing a new journey. Although I'll be mobile, it's one of a deep, personal - dare I say, Transcendent nature.

I'm not sure how long this will last. Our journeys last a lifetime, though there are mini quests to experience along the way. Sometimes they are detours, but all are still part of The Individual Path.

Logistically, my resources are limited. However, I'm at the point where that will not stop me. I'm prepared to even be homeless (in fact, that's probably meant to be part of the path).

I won't stop until I've found what I'm looking for.

Sunday, March 10, 2013


Sometimes... the many sacrifices seem too much to bear. Then, I look all around time and I realize this is me. It has to be done.

There may be no silver light at the end of the tunnel. No respite, even while here.

I suppose that's why it's called Sacrifice.

Monday, February 4, 2013


Interference - It's what you do, and you know the you of whom I am referring to

I am telling you that is needs to cease soon, for you will not have to find me... I will find you

Phoenix Janus Pax