A More Accurate Description of the Television Anomaly

Dear friends,

Due to the fact that I'm shaking the dust from my memoir in progress it's time for me to come to terms and come clean with something that has been burdening me for quite some time.

There is a second version, and most importantly, a more accurate (I believe to be so) version of what transpired the night of the Television Anomaly.

Please read Description of Television Anomaly before you read the rest of this post if you haven't done so already.


What I experienced at the core hasn't changed. And I'm unsure whether or not there is any more or any less mystical or other significant relevance between the two.

So, in this second version as I am watching television I then see myself in the television sitting in the arm chair. As if the me in the TV was watching me in his TV from his own reality. A mirror-like reflection.

I see a mirror reflection of myself. I'm still at an angle to the television, and everything else is the same as earlier written. Startled, I stand up and change the channel. My heart pounds in my chest and I feel my face flush as I witness myself changing the channels, only to see myself in front of the chair, changing channels. Like I wrote in the first post, I bolt out of the apartment.

For some reason, this seems to be the version that really happened and the one I wanted to tell from the beginning. Memory is so fickle. Research has shown that as time passes our memories become more vague. The memories often vary each time we summon that particular memory or set(s) of memories, and can even morph into completely different mental experiences.

So there are two important differences in the versions

1. The first is of my head at a semi profile as whereas the second I see my face head-on but at a slight profiled angle.

2. In the first version I see myself within the "TV ad infinitum", In the second version there is no "TV within the TV"



There are at least two primary options for me to conclude at this point.

1 - The first version is true
2 - The second version is true


However, there are other options such as perhaps both are true to a degree.

This can be partially explained by lets say that the second version is true: It was a mirror-like reflection. Now lets say that at that exact moment, I had an OBE or an Out of Body Experience. And the position I'm in at that point (the OBE me) is behind the chair at an angle looking at the physical me at the chair.

This would explain the first inconsistency of the position in which I saw myself viewing the TV me, but not the TV within the TV's. I'm beginning to wonder if this was perhaps an embellishment on my part post Philip K Dick influence.

How could PKD have influenced this memory?

PKD often wrote about spurious realities and more important to this particular situation, multi-level realities. Realities within realities, ad infinitum possibly.

A New Mind of Old?

The/my writing that I seem to remember from the mid 1980's was very much like the pulp science fiction of the mid century. In some fantastical way it was that very same pulp fiction (at least if I am factually accurate in my co-creation of PKD's works, but alas, we will probably never know). It will always be an instinctual thing, a gut feeling. A divine knowledge. The writing seems to me equivalent to the mind of a teenager, one somewhat in tune with the times. My mind. Almost immature to be sure. Like a child's active imagination. If I did indeed find some way (insert myriad methods here) to help Phil create those stories then what is the equivalent today? The stories I am creating and will create are to be fashioned after what likeness? All I can do is to try to sell them in today's market, this present world, because I have no idea if/when some remnants of these stories will be ferried off to a distant universe or the past or wherever or whenever they are destined to go. Are they to be literary in nature? There really is no decent paying market for pulp fiction anymore. Anyway, I have evolved since my time as a teenager. Not always for the better, but evolved nevertheless. I am both more sophisticated and more tortured. I'm not sure I'm up to the task of literary writing. I'm more of an ideas person, as you can imagine. And I feel my ideas and execution must be perfect. It's this kind of rut and obsession in my thinking that keep me from being productive. I just don't know what to expect of myself. Perhaps it is someone else's turn to mystically help me. Universe... Pay if forward.

No answer...

As I thought...

I am my own and on my own I will.

Frank Bertrand writings about PKD on Scribd

Frank Bertrand has been a Philip Dick fan since probably before I was born. In the 70's and 80's he conducted several interviews with Phil, and has written extensively about him since Phil's death.

I read a few of his articles when I first had the "PKD connection" on 6-23-2002. I'll be rereading those articles and even more for the first time.

His writings can be found here at Scribd

I've got a lot of rereading to do so I can complete this memoir. I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you, Frank, for all the time and hard work you have put in for the PKD community.

My Memoir Kickstarter Project Launched

I've officially launched my Kickstarter project today. Kickstarter is a fundraising site for creative projects. In this model, one launches a project and sets a deadline to meet their funding goal (1-60 days). If the funding is not met then the project will not be funded. It is an all-or-nothing situation.  Rewards (usually in the form of the finished product, e.g. books, CD's, DVD's, ect.  The more you donate, the better the rewards. Also rewarding, is knowing that you will help someone fulfill one of their dreams, that they may not have been able to do otherwise.

My memoir, called Alienus Tempus, concerns how I manage mental illness and common and not-so common philosophical inquiries while trying to explain mysterious and remarkable events that concern the late science fiction writer, Philip K Dick.

If you happen to read this post, please take a look at my project even if you decide not to donate. That's okay... just so you know that one day this memoir will be available to everyone at no cost.  I want to get this story out. It's my dharma.

Waiting on Rights

I have a short story that follows closely my situation with PKD. It's a very condensed version, but it needs to be told before I can continue with any other work. This is the thorn in my foot that needs to be removed. I'm now waiting on The Estate (of PKD) to decide whether or not I can publish a portion of text from Phil's Exegesis Essa:

"The Ultra Hidden (Cryptic) Doctrine: The Secret Meaning of the Great System of Theosophany of the World, Openly Revealed for the First Time (March 2, 1980)"

The story won't work without it, so if I have to paraphrase it, I will do so. Let's hope for an optimal outcome.

I am not a Terrorist

One would think that with the claims I have made and assumptions I have made, surviving relatives and ex-spouses of Philip K Dick would at least acknowledge my existence. It's not like I'm asking for your (excuse me, I meant Phil's) money. I know what part I had in the creation of some of Phil's work (crazy as it seems (hum...maybe that's why they don't talk to me)). You will not hurt my feelings, by saying you have no evidence of my involvement with the psyche of PKD. But hows about sharing some more of those Exigesis entries, shall we? It's something the Estate has been claiming it would do since the official launch of their website PhilipKDick.com.

I don't know, perhaps their are more PKD loonies out there than I realize. But you should know this, I AM the Real Deal. Movie adaptions of PKD's novels will come and go and eventually entropy would take them into obscurity. However, My Story will endure the Test of Time, and because it involves Phil, he will also endure. I have partaken of UBIK (twice, if you care to read my experiences).

It seems like the Estate thinks I am a terrorist, and they are standing by the "we will not negotiate with terrorists" clause.

Well Kids, I am Not a terrorist. I am the closest thing to your Father than you could ever realize. And believe me, I do not say this lightly. I understand that this could likely piss off quite a few people, especially relatives and fans. I do apologize. But like Phil said, it is likely that friends will misinterpret what he said.

Right now, I am working on a story that involves nanotechnology, government conspiracy, two dead scifi writers and one living. And my PKD related posts will be in the book just as that. Except they will be posted not by MDK, but by PJP - Phoenix Janus Pax.

Karma, it's Real

What a shitty day. I have felt physically sick, today. Work was a drag, and I'm feeling more blue today, than usual. It seems everyone in the lab was not in a particularly good mood today. I can usually wear a smile at work, even on the worse days, but today, it was just different. I knew PKD's day of departure was near this time, but I forgot it was today, until I was reminded by a blog post by the totaldickhead.


Last year, in the middle of February, I took a job assignment in southeast Wyoming for a supposed 6 week contract. On the way, I took a slight detour to Fort Morgan, Colorado to visit the burial site of PKD.












I got totally screwed out of the contract (their new employee was starting sooner than was planned). They said I wasn't a fit, which the Manager was full of shit. I can't really blame her, though. After all, I suppose it was supposed to happen that way.

Anyway, I spent a total of about 5 days there before heading back home. Again, I visited PKD's memorial.
Should have known something like this would happen. The pendent could have been there before, in the covered snow. In fact, it most likely was. I still believe I was meant to see it.

The Penultimate Truth

I thought I had posted about ordering PKD's "The Penultimate Truth" already, but alas, I can not find it; therefor I will say it now.

In November of 2002 (in the middle of my psychic anomalies I ordered "The Penultimate Truth from Amazon. Actually, I had to buy it used from Alibris through Amazon. They sent me an appreciably weathered and old specimen. It was an original print date of 1964 by Belmont Books.

To be noted was that this was in the middle of my psychic experiences and deja vu, although I had no deja vu of this particular experience (at least that I remember).
Apparently, the book handler saw fit to personalize my invoice for the order with his John Hancock. That's no big deal. However, his first name was Phil and last name was Thomas. This was near the time that I found the note (Simon, Call Home ASAP)and was thinking about the whole Simon/Thomas situation.

I'm aware this could be totally coincidental, but it is interesting, to say the least.

BTW, does anybody know how much an avid collector would pay for such a copy?

Simon - Call Home ASAP Mom and Dad

Here is a picture of the note that I discovered beneath one of my windshield wipers on my Dodge Daytona back in 2002. As this previous post stated, My family and I were walking home from a street carnival (this just a few nights after the dream and actuality of my antenna being missing from the same car, along with all the other psychic phenomenon occurring at that time) and discovered it.

We lived just about 5-6 blocks from the downtown carnival so we walked to and fro. My car was obviously in our own parking lot (shared with other tenants of the building). I suppose, because there was a fair of sorts, our parking area could have been shared by other fair-goers, and perhaps somebody was just confused as to what their child drove.

Because of all the deja vu and other psychic events going on in my life at the time, I just don't believe it was coincidence.

Could "Simon" be me, as PKD was "Thomas". One of our many secret codes?

Contact me here next year. If I'm not here, site will not be updated and well, you know the rest.

I'm copying what I wrote down yesterday morning from a dream I had on Thursday, July 3 sometime between 0711 and 0930.

Not sure what to make of this.

I went to a physician in some ER and he (mild/moderate build, slight tan, wavy brown hair) said I had some kind of internal organ disease. He said I only had a few days to a few weeks to live. He said my heart would just stop (after I had asked him how it would happen) (reminds me of the situation when we had to euthanise our cat, Sophie).

Then I remembered being at some kind of cook out (picnic or BQ) with a number of relatives and a few of went inside a house and began looking at a TV screen that showed sections of my brain (we could use a controller to navigate around the sections. Then my 2nd cousin (can't remember which of 2 cousins it was) said they had experience looking at this, so he took the controller.

While we were doing this, I began to think about my supposed arranged fate (living to 63, writing, etc.) and thought that this couldn't be right. So, I starting thinking about the ER physician and his "diagnosis". He didn't order any X-rays, scans, MRI's, etc. to support his diagnosis.

We went to see him at the hospital and he says it's possible that it could be incorrect. He also said that I should have had the scans done before I went to the ER.


*** I believe I had this dream because I've less than 2 months unemployment insurance remaining. So, I have had almost 4 months of time when I could and should have been writing every single day. But, I falter. I procrastinate, trying to put off the inevitable. Makes one wonder whether I really want to write, after all. I've thought about this often. The answer is I definitely do. Not only that, but I believe that is possible that I am supposed to physically die when I am 63. I am now 34, and if I am supposed to create this corpus of work then I really need to get with the plan. See, PKD was born on 1928 and died in 1982. In keeping with the tradition I have come to the conclusion that I, too, will die in 2037, while I lived was born in 1973. So, if I am published at least this year or next, I believe I stay on the train for a while longer, although my book will be closed on 2037. And if I don't begin soon, if I don't do what it is that I am supposed to do, then perhaps my time in this realm is near over. It's not that I'm afraid to die, it's that 1) I love my daughter and want to be with her, to see her grow and have a beautiful life and 2) I still do really believe that there is something that I am supposed to do, and a large part of that is writing.

A Scanner Darkly; Made of Membots

One of my so-called anamnestic memories that I became aware of in 2002-2003 was of an instance when I (or PKD) was walking along a sidewalk fronting some kind of shopping plaza or district. I was walking alongside a medium built, butterscotch haired, slender faced gentleman and discussing, of all things, PKD's A Scanner Darkly. Near the site there was a park and three people sitting on a picnic table.

Did I mention that I think it possible that our own US government or some other organization implanted those types of "anamnestic" memories in me, possible to make me think that somehow I am relevant to the PKD phenomenon? I have a few other guesses as to what is going on, including: Well, we'll just have to wait on that won't we? I will say this, however; If it were say 2037 or so, I think it possible that I've been injected with "membots" that were once a part of "you know who"; thus my affiliations with "you know who".

This is the subject of my first novel in the making. Now if I could stop procrastinating and just get on with the damned thing.

I found Phil

I had the privilege of visiting PKD's and Jane's resting place yesterday. I was traveling I-80 to Wyoming and detoured just a bit to Fort Morgan, Colorado. While at the cemetary it took anywhere from 1 - 2 hours of riding and walking around to finally locate them. But, I did. It was disheartening not to see any flowers or other items. On the other hand, there was a little bit of ice in front of the headstone with a space about an inch wide across the stone where the ice had melted. Within that space I found 3 pens, and a tiny plastic sheep. I ran back to my car and found one of my writing pens to add to the collection.

I was questioning Phil in my own insane way, and requested that if he was capable, to show, or help me show, that there is at least some validity to what I am have been trying to explain to her.

Around that same time the wind really picked up speed (although it fairly windy already) and the industrial sugar plant across the road made some kind of unique roar.

Back home my SO is a very compassionate nurse at a nursing home. She's a fairly skeptical person in most regards. However, for the past year and a half she's worked at this most recent job she has admitted to me of seeing dark shadows and on very few occasions, a sort of bright whitish apparition.

[My daughter went with her to work last night (it was only a four hour shift and no school the next day)] When they pulled in the drive-way there was a barn owl next to the house. That was definately a first and it happened a few hours after I requested for him to show her

I could interpret this as a synchronous event, but unlikely as this combination of events were, I still think I could chalk this one up to coincidence.

All in all, it was nice to see them.

On That Tingling Feeling

Back in 2001 and 2002 on rare occasion when I would look at a particularly attractive woman, I would sometimes get an electrical "tingling" sensation in my head, and feel lightheaded and dizzy momentarily. It only happened a few times, and during that time a thought would cross my mind that that woman was to mother my child. I really didn't believe it whole-heartedly but thought of the possibility. I never acted on such an impulsive thought. Imagine how embarassing that could be. On the other hand, perhaps she would be flattered. And I could have played the mental illness card.

At the time, both I and my psychiatrist thought I may have been suffering from schizophrenia. Those particular instances would have been tactile hallucinations with "magical thinking" or delusions.

Naturally, when I discovered the "PKD Connection" (and because of the nature of the synchronicities and associated phenomena I definately believe exists) I thought perhaps I "was" PKD, just in a parallel world or simulated reality and the women with which I had the "magical thinking" were actually my previous wives or girlfriends.

No, I now do not believe I am PKD in a parallel world or simulated reality, however, I still can not deny the experiences I have had (discounting the aforementioned "magical thinking").

Coming Soon: VALIS to be seen by the masses

ABC's LOST features thought provoking literary novels as props either being read by a character from LOST or in his/her library. Rumor has it that Philip K Dicks VALIS will be featured in episode 4 of this 4th season. Since I am a definate LOST FAN I am overly delighted. I think Phil would feel the same way. I found this link nearly simultaneously through David Gill's Totaldickhead and just a few minutes later at a LOST fansite. I didn't follow the link to David's source until after I had read David's source myself. So, even though I would have eventually found it myself, thanks, David, for being on top of things.

I am SO Insane

Okay, so I'm going to rename this blog to:

Universal Reality: Reality show from your friendly neighborhood Multiverse spy

Nah! I shant want to blow my cover.



Now, but really.

I believe I've already mentioned about the uneasy familiarity I've been sensing with this particular area in Georgia. Well, I've been watching Alias (the ABC series that aired for 5 seasons). I've purchased the DVD sets. So far I'm up to the third season, and have just finished watching episode 13.

There are 2 particular plot points to this story that have induced a deja vu moment. These scenes that I'm referring to seem so familiar. Just so you know, I did not purchase intending on finding cryptic information. If there is any there, I haven't found it yet. It's just the eerie familiarity that I sense.

The first one involved Dixon (Sydney's former field partner from SD6 who begins working for the CIA). His wife is killed by the "Covenant". And of course he is disraught. However, he insists that he is able to go out for duty, despite protests from Sydney, Jack, and others.

The second one has to do with Vaughn's wife, Lauren. Turns out, she's not as patriotic as we think. It's another one of those literally "marry your enemies" scenario.

What are the implications? Well, I wouldn't want to bore you.
Besides, do you really want to hear this from a nut?
Well, I don't even understand it myself.

For those of you who may bounce to this site, please read my "PKD Experiences" to the right if you would like any additional insight. Read from bottom up (on that list only) if you want a thrilling, but absolutely true account of my life.

Update

Something I knew could be a problem but I've ignored nevertheless. I have depersonalization/derealization disorder, along with major depression and who knows what else. I've decided to become a traveling healthcare worker temporarily (just until my family and I decide to settle down somewhere next year). This will allow me to catch up on paying my bills (those damned student loans, too) and perhaps save a little for a future move, as well.

I've been here just little over a week, and am internally attempting to stay ahead of the depression. Medicine, Effexor, certainly helps. I don't think I could live without it, no pun intended.

The area is intriguing and warmer than home (Missouri). Okay, since you twisted my arm, I'm in Georgia, but thats ALL for now.

I hate being away from my GF and my daughter, but this is necessary. That's the worst about this, not being able to see them every day. We did get web cams set up on the desktop at home, and my laptop, before I left. So, we have been able to see each other. Modern technology isn't all that bad, now is it?

But, you know me, the depression isn't all that is affected. I've also had a lingering sense of deja vu. It's not so much anything in particular as much as it is just the general set up. Who knows, maybe all this is supposed to happen? I wonder if I'll live long enough to figure all this out?

Also of note, with the exception of my most recent sleep period, I've had 3 consecutive dreams involving PKD. I think it's time to get to work! Writing, that is!

To the Future?

Shifting Realities are not so Cryptic

In November or December of 2002, while living in the trailer at 507 South Hickory, I had ordered a couple of books by Lawrence Sutin. One was an official biography of PKD, touted as the best one of any other biographies. Another book called "The Shifting Realities of Philip K Dick" was one which had various extraneous writings by Phil. Included were his own authors short biography for book jackets, various essays and a chapter in the proposed sequel to "The Man in the High Castle".

Also included were selections from Phil's Exegesis.

I would like to talk about the section of his Exegesis entitled, and bare with me here please:

"The Ultra Hidden (Cryptic) Doctrine: The Secret Meaning of the Great System of Theosophany of the World, Openly Revealed for the First Time (March 2, 1980)"

Yeah, some title huh? In this section, Phil uses his syncretory abilities to mix religions and mythic systems to come up with a possible "System of the World". Isn't it funny how he goes to extreme in mocking his title within the title itself? That's Phil, alright!

Phil claims to use the "highest sources" in coming to this conclusion, those sources consists of many of the worlds religious doctrines in an attempt to explain 2-3-74. His sensationally revolutionary occult doctrine he has derived is essentially this:

"We are dead but don't know it, reliving our former lives but on tape (programmed), in a simulated world controlled by Valis the master entity or reality generator (like Brahman), where we relive in a virtually closed cycle again and again until we manage to add enough new good karma to trigger off divine intervention, which wakes us up and causes us to simultaneously both remember and forget, so that we can begin our re-ascent back up to our real home. This, then, is purgatorio, the afterlife, and we are under constant scrutiny and judgment, but don't know it, in a perfect simulation of the world we knew and remember--v. Ubik and Lem's paradigm. We have for a long time been dying brains/souls slipping lower and lower through the realms, but the punishment of reliving this bottom-realm life is also an opportunity to add new good karma and break the vicious cycle of otherwise endless reliving of a portion of our former life. This then, the sophia summa of the six esoteric systems-seven if you count alchemy-of the entire world. Eight if you count hermeticism. We are dead, don't know it, and mechanically relive our life in a fake world until we get it right. Ma'at has judged us; we are punished, but we can change the balance...but we don't know we are here to do this, let alone know where we are. We must change the "groove" for the better or just keep coming back, not remembering, not reascending."

The preceding was as quoted in Phil's essay.

I was sitting comfortably on the couch, legs crouched, while reading this passage. Liza was playing or watching tv and Tabby was on the computer. As I was reading this, An overpowering sense of Deja Vu nearly caused me to panic. Everything, the same situation; me reading this particular passage of Phil's Exegesis in exactly the same trailer, sitting the same way. I've had deja vu before, but this nearly caused me to puke. I mean, think about it, having deja vu about reading something discussing deja vu. Okay, quick reality check, a few quick pinches, I'm still here, my daughter is playing happily on the floor in front of me. Okay, read on: This is Quoted below:

Phil: "Therefore it can be reasoned that Valis will show as few times as possible, and, if he does reveal himself to a person, Valis will becloud the situation so that the person cannot make the knowledge he has- hence the real situation- generally well known. (NOTE: This system makes use of my ten-volume meta novel. This is valuable to me.)"

Wow! This is enough of examination of this essay for now. I will go over more later. So Valis will indeed obscure any communication or relationship with it. This is of course, to protect our potentiality, of ending suffering some time or another. If too many people know about it, then the knowledge will impede upon our reawakening, and we may all be doomed to repeated cycling, forever. This is the Law. It can not be undone. I wish things were different, if I could make them would I? I don't know. In this system, everyone is given a chance, and we are all given a chance to help others, to be boddhivistas.

So, Phil, could be insane, or sick, hence Valis is not generally well known. I, myself have had mental issues, been in the hospital a couple of times. Valis again, has obscured itself. Even from me, because I still haven't concluded that I am indeed not insane. I could very well be.

I think it could have been later that night or the next night, but I was reading some more about Phil, the part where he and one of his wives see the "older" Phil at the foot of their bed. In my mind I said, "goddammit, Phil, why won't you show your self to me? Give me a sign or something, show me your here."

All of a sudden my big orange tabby cat, who was laying on the bed beside me, wrapped his teeth around my wrist. The bastard wouldn't let go. I had to spat him unfortunately rather hard for him to let go. What the hell? This was the first time he had ever done that to any of us. Tabby was witness to it, and in a sort of question herself.

Later we found out that most likely he was in heat, and this had started as a result. Male cats will sometimes link onto the females neck by biting on them. Well, we had that fixed, we had him neutered not long after, and that seemed to work just fine. Was this my sign? Some fucking sign, Phil. Thanks. That's okay, it seems I've been playing with some entity my whole life, anyway. It was playful much in Phil's own vein.

It was also around this time, in which I had a dream, that some friends of Phil, I'm assuming family too, were visiting with me in the trailer. We were exchanging theories and what not, when suddenly it became the general consensus that I was the spirit of Jane, his twin sister that had died not long after birth. Great goddammit, why was "I" the girl, was all I could think of. Think of it what you will, but I did have the dream, and I had never before postulated that I could have been Phil's sister, Jane. This could possible explain why I feel like I have written some parts of his earlier works, because I had not been yet born (not till 73). We were like Bill and Edie in "Dr. Bloodmoney". You'll have to read to find out what I mean.

Note: This does not mean that I believe I am/was Jane. It is just one of many possibities.

Moving to Trent

By this time, Tabby had had enough of my crazy shit. Who can blame her? She would have to take Liza to my mother's house which was an hour away, and then drive back home to get ready to go to work, which was another twenty minutes away. I wasn't in the most reliable state as it were. I guess she figured at least all she would have to do was take Liza to mom's while I stayed home and moped and she could go to work. So we moved into 827 N. Mulberry Street in Trent. It was the house my mom and the kids had lived in when I first had the PKD connection. We were now living in the run down, shabby, barely held together house, if you could call it a house. Floors were sunk in everywhere, cracks scattered the sick white paint.

Moping is probably not the best term one could use to describe what I was feeling. I had an immense depression, so severe that I began to lose weight again. I couldn't focus on anything. I felt dead, everything around me felt dead. It was Almost like it was on 12-14-90. Nothing could match that. But this time, it was fairly intense. I felt as if hands were draped around my neck squeezing the life out of me, choking off the oxygen supply to my weary brain. I had gone go the nurse practitioner I had been seeing for my back spasms to prescribe some anti depressant. I knew if I did not act quickly, I may not be alive much longer. It was that bad. I had started thinking about everything that had happened and especially the occurrences with PKD and I had tried my damndest to figure out what was going on. I spun forth theory after theory, just like Phil would do himself if he had been presented this enigma. One theory that I had thought of that of course was very depressing was that I was Phil Dick and this was the afterlife. I am being made to go through life as if it were one of my very own novels, sanity be damned. Whether it was some supernatural entity or some well meaning dream architects. Who knows. All I could think was like David Ames of "Vanilla Sky", "Tech Support! Tech Support! I want out of here! Help me!". Such a lonely disparate place my mind was residing in.