Friday, July 4, 2008

Contact me here next year. If I'm not here, site will not be updated and well, you know the rest.

I'm copying what I wrote down yesterday morning from a dream I had on Thursday, July 3 sometime between 0711 and 0930.

Not sure what to make of this.

I went to a physician in some ER and he (mild/moderate build, slight tan, wavy brown hair) said I had some kind of internal organ disease. He said I only had a few days to a few weeks to live. He said my heart would just stop (after I had asked him how it would happen) (reminds me of the situation when we had to euthanise our cat, Sophie).

Then I remembered being at some kind of cook out (picnic or BQ) with a number of relatives and a few of went inside a house and began looking at a TV screen that showed sections of my brain (we could use a controller to navigate around the sections. Then my 2nd cousin (can't remember which of 2 cousins it was) said they had experience looking at this, so he took the controller.

While we were doing this, I began to think about my supposed arranged fate (living to 63, writing, etc.) and thought that this couldn't be right. So, I starting thinking about the ER physician and his "diagnosis". He didn't order any X-rays, scans, MRI's, etc. to support his diagnosis.

We went to see him at the hospital and he says it's possible that it could be incorrect. He also said that I should have had the scans done before I went to the ER.

*** I believe I had this dream because I've less than 2 months unemployment insurance remaining. So, I have had almost 4 months of time when I could and should have been writing every single day. But, I falter. I procrastinate, trying to put off the inevitable. Makes one wonder whether I really want to write, after all. I've thought about this often. The answer is I definitely do. Not only that, but I believe that is possible that I am supposed to physically die when I am 63. I am now 34, and if I am supposed to create this corpus of work then I really need to get with the plan. See, PKD was born on 1928 and died in 1982. In keeping with the tradition I have come to the conclusion that I, too, will die in 2037, while I lived was born in 1973. So, if I am published at least this year or next, I believe I stay on the train for a while longer, although my book will be closed on 2037. And if I don't begin soon, if I don't do what it is that I am supposed to do, then perhaps my time in this realm is near over. It's not that I'm afraid to die, it's that 1) I love my daughter and want to be with her, to see her grow and have a beautiful life and 2) I still do really believe that there is something that I am supposed to do, and a large part of that is writing.


Kappa no He said...

I totally understand that...feeling there is something you are supposed to be doing, where you know in your heart of hearts that you are meant to be something, somewhere, some certain way.

I say an hour a day (more?), butt in chair, and write anything, anything at all. Every day. Pretty soon you won't be able to stop!

MDK said...

Thanx, Kappa. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just sit down and do it.