Blab, Blab, Blab!

I swear to god, I really need to stop blabbing about my some of my experiences at work. Nobody except a select know about some of the experiences I have shared here and who I really am. Not that it would be extremely difficult to determine. I have a very respectable career, one that earns a good salary and potential to earn substantially more. I know employers can not discriminate based on "beliefs" or what some others may refer to as "mental illness", however, I do not want to undermine my credibility. The Stigma would drive me more paranoid than I already am.

But, in the end, I believe I am doing what, as John Locke from LOST would say, "what the Island wants me to do", or "What I'm supposed to be doing".

Therefor, sobeit if I am known by my real name and am connected with this blog. I want whats best for humanity, as long as my baby is not sacrificed. Do not ask me to choose. In fact, it's a warning.

Dissension

I recently traveled to a mountain state for a short term contract in my field. They put me up in a shitty dorm room with communal toilets and shower. The room was horrid and reeked of pipe tobacco smoke. I arrived on a Sunday, and shortly after I arrived for work on Monday began vomiting. I don't know whether it was the "water" in the room's decrepid sink, the smell of pipe tabacco smoke, or simply a 24 hour stomach virus. I left my first day sick and went to a covenient store to buy some bottled water and pepto bismo tablets. While the lady was trying to dispel the static electricity making the plastic bags stick together, I immediately had to place my hand over my mouth. It was not good. I vomited again outside the door to the station, and 3 more times next to my car.

I was supposed to work Monday thru Thursday 10 hour shifts. I was there 2 hours on monday before i had to leave. I offered to just "delete" monday, and start Tuesday thru Friday to make up for Monday. That was agreed upon. I worked two full 10 hour shifts on Tuesday and Thursday, and 1.5 hours on Thursday, before I was called by my company, saying that "I have some unfortunate news, they don't want you there. This is not the appropriate place to talk, so you need to leave "Now" and pack up your things from the dorms".

I drove 20 hours to get there last Friday (Feb 15) and had to leave "immediately" to go back home. Not to mention, I was expecting a full paycheck, because I have checks out to pay for bills, etc.

I turns out that the manager of the institution I was at said there were personality conflicts.
What! She wasn't even there on Tuesday! How the hell could she possibly know? As far as I know, I was getting along well with everyone. Sure, one guy was of the opinion that "liberals" were all bad, and I being liberal on most political and social issues made my case that "we" are not all bad. He's a right-wing conspiracy nut. Good lord, if only he knew. Anyway, we actually had a decent, civil conversation. We even talked about "God". He mentioned how many religions were similar. I concurred and also told him of a bumper sticker I had seen on a website; the one that says: "God is too big to fit inside any one religion" and how I thought it was appropriate.
Well, the manager walked by at the same time. I'm sure she heard it.

The next day is when I got the call from my agency instructing me to leave. See, they had a regular employee that was to start in the middle of March. According to the schedule, she was starting 2 weeks prior to that.

Is it possible that the new employee got there sooner and they wanted to start her ASAP? Why pay an agency contractor if they can make up an excuse for lack of performance, or not learning fast enough, so that they can get out of said contract?

I believe that either that is the case or I am being discriminated upon based on political and religious beliefs.

Now my company may not reimburse me for all the traveling that I've done. I will find out for sure next week when a "review board" meets.

That is just not fair! Now my bank account will have a negative balance because by the time those checks go through I will not have enough in my account. I had to take enough out for the gas home and a hotel room for a night.

I was so enraged and hurt. I'm surprised I even made it home in one piece. I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving, "Why is this happening to me?". I had a funny feeling something like this would happen. It had the eery familiarness as did the Georgia assignment.

I had a dream a couple of months ago while at the Georgia assignment that my account rep called and told me that they could not help me any longer.

It was this account manager (not even the one that was I had been dealing with about the new assignment) that called me and told me I had to get out. He will most likely be the one that will call me with the "boards" decision. I have a feeling that regardless of what I write in my email statement, that this is the way it will go.

You see, VALIS, or something like it is indeed this world's operator, and unfortunately, I am mixed with it somehow. Just like Philip Dick, we were/are thrown in the middle of all this. I just don't know whether we found VALIS or VALIS found us.

I don't know what to do now. I am jobless. My SO freaks out over these issues. She if physically and emotionally and mentally aggressive. If she would give me 6 months to a year to write and publish my first novel, I KNOW that I could make enough to earn a living. Not a great living, but at least enough to help rear my child and continue to do what I know it is that I am supposed to be doing. Writing. At least in part of what I am to do.

Why? Why does it have to be so hard?

To any agents and editors: if you feel VALIS is tugging at you and your are indeed moved to hear what I may have to say; I have several fiction projects in the works. I could have one of them finished very soon. A little interest shown, can move a universe.

Sorry for the Rant.

It's time to get Lost!

I'm between assignments at the moment. I've been home for two and a half weeks, and I'm still waiting on my next assignment. Hopefully, within the next week and certainly no more than two and I'll have something.

On a positive note, season 4 of LOST is airing this Thursday, woo hoo! They are airing the season 3 last episode plus some extras on Wednesday evening.

Their website is full of teasers and extras, too. Now, go get Lost! LOL!

Reference

Geeesh, I'm so frackin PO'd today. I am applying at one company. Company I am with now, the manager tells recruiter of other company that I would not be rehirable at their company. Throws me a serious frackin whammy, man. I've got other good references, but this was the manager of the lab, you know. The only reason she said that is because she knows how difficult it is to get people to come work there. One tech and a phleb quit over the last 2 weeks on the evening shift. And now it's my turn. I had an opportunity I couldn't refuse, and then this happens. Great! Now What!

I haven't even been paying any attetion to my writing lately, because I've been focusing on getting this job. This Sux!

University - Part 2

After a short month with a lumber company in Frenscot, we got jobs with a temporary agency called Manpower. They had an onsite office at a manufacturing facility called Procter and Gamble. Even though it was a temporary agency we could be assured full time work if we wanted it, or part time. So we worked out there full time for the summer, fished alot, cruised the country side, and enjoyed each other's company.

When school began, I cut my hours to part time so I could concentrate on my studies. God, if I could have foreseen the problems it was going to cause, I would be almost inclined to have either not gone back to school or left for California. But like I tried to explain to Tabitha, if I didn't go to school, the little education I have now would be for nothing. Also, finishing my degree will certainly pay off one day. I told her I couldn't work full time, because I had to study at least a little. I mean, I was a pre-med major. My grades weren't that hot, so I needed to preserve what I had and try to do a little better, or I could kiss the dream of being a physician good bye permanently.

During November, the middle part of the month, our precious daughter to be was first conceived. July 8th, 1997 is indeed the happiest day of my life. Sure, I was extremely tired, even exhausted. I had stayed up the night before. But this day, our little bundle of pure joy came into this world, to share it with us. I can remember Tabitha holding her, Elizabeth's large perky eyes darting around the room. I can't even imagine how she was interpreting all of it. She was so beautiful. Seven pounds and eight ounces and nineteen inches long. She had a head full of beautiful brown hair. It was a thrill. For once, I had something definite to live for.

About six months after Elizabeth's birth, Tabby and I starting arguing more. Usually just little things. But at times, there were some major issues. Our biggest issue was probably money. It's not like I didn't care or anything, I knew everything would work out okay. It seems she wanted me to quit school and work full time. Like I've told her a million times, it's a little more complicated than that. If I did quit school, it would take me that much longer to start earning at a higher potential. I would be stuck working in a factor for the rest of my life. In the long run, nobody would win. If we just kept on what we were doing, we would be okay. And we were okay.

She usually always worked full time. I worked part time, went to school full time. I also received pell grants and was able to borrow as an independent student because I was a military veteran. So what did this do for me? It made the expected family contribution stay nearly the same, and aloud me to borrow more unsubsidized loans as an independent student. Big mistake. From then on my loan bill kept growing staggeringly high. It almost seemed exponential.

From then until fall of 2000 everything seemed okay. I graduated with my bachelors degree in December 1999. It took two and one half of another year to complete (since I began in fall of 93, If I had went straight through without any detours, I would have graduated in spring 97), but considering what I had went through, it was quite an accomplishment. I withdrew at least one semester, possibly two during this time. I also had enough hours to be whats known as a double major. It would have been both biology and chemistry. But the major in biology and minor in chemistry suited me just fine.

I began taking some graduate courses during my last semester as an undergraduate. It gave me somewhat of a head start. The following spring semester of 2000 was my first full semester of graduate studies. I spent this time thinking about what I could possibly work on as a thesis. I was interested in so many ideas, but nothing in particular just stood out from the rest. I wasn't just gung-ho on anything. I started thinking maybe I shouldn't be in this field then. But no, that's not right. Because I haven't been gung-ho about anything since my breakdown on 12-14-90. I have been driven with a hunger for contentment all these years. Contentment is enough for me.

I was also awarded a graduate teaching assistantship that semester. Usually, graduate teaching assistants help with labs, or supervise their own section of a lab. Some also hold recitations (where students ask assistant about core concepts from class). I was a graduate assistant for Dr. Roger Crowsland for his ZO 200 course. It was an introductory zoology course. We covered most of the animal phyla and even some of the phyla that animal-like protists were in. We went from the most simple to complex, highlighting major evolutionary steps in body plans and functions. It was a really neat course. I remember when I took it as an undergrad.

As a graduate teaching assistant, I would go to the lecture and attend his lab section (to get an idea of how to do mine and also help with his). I did notice that quite a lot of times he would lecture for about thirty minutes the first part of the lab. Man, I thought, I'm not a damned professor, yet. How am I expected to lecture well enough on these subjects. Actually, I performed rather well. The students say they got more out of my lecture than they did his. I even devised my own laboratory tests and practicals, which were much more indicative of what they actually learned, as opposed to worrying about potential "trick" questions, which Dr. Crowsland was known for.

For the most part, I had fun that semester. I even got paid a stipend (and tuition was waved). It amounted to about ten to twelve dollars an hour. It wasn't bad at all.
That summer, I think I may have went back to work for manpower until the fall semester began, for which I was supposed to lead another section of Dr. Crowsland's zoology laboratory. I may have taken some courses, as well, but I'm not sure so I'll have to check records at a later time. Things were well until September of that same year.

University - Part 1

So I began college at SOME University in August of 1993. I was just about to turn twenty at that time. I was two years late in the making. My god, I thought it was so horrible. I felt old even though it was my first semester. In my mind, I was still upset at having not began in August of 91 like I had originally planned. Now, in retrospect, I think, "Man, what was I thinking, I was still a pup". There are folks now in their thirties, forties and even fifties beginning college for the first time. However, two years into a major depression and most devastatingly the feelings and thoughts associated with depersonalization and derealization; it seemed like an eternity had passed.

That same month of August I applied for and was accepted a position in at the then new Walmart supercenter. I would remain there part time until summer of 96, working various departments. I started out as a cashier, but then transferred to layaway, domestics, automotive and finally the shoe department.

Things were going okay at the university. My major was premed in which my chosen major was biology with a minor in chemistry. I thought about many different careers along the way, some of which were: geology, chemistry, physics, and geography. However, because I was premed I had to take a certain required amount of biology and chemistry courses. We had to also choose an area of interest in biology, so I chose zoology because in this area were most of my premed courses.

I lived on campus for a couple of months of my very first semester. However, campus life didn't really suit me because it seemed I worked all the time. One of the shoe associates at walmart, Derek, lived in a three bedroom (although there could actually be four renting) house close to the river. One of their roomies was about to move out and they needed someone else to come in. So I was invited, and I happily took it.

The summer of 95, I had decided to move to California and spend some time with my biological father. I already had a job lined up in the automotive department at the walmart in Ceres, which is essentially a suburb of Modesto (where I was born). [the California locations are factual]
That lasted all but two months, I believe. So I transferred back to walmart in Capeston, and even managed to get a room again in the house with Derek. This would now be the early summer of 96. During this time I had some problems with my heart "skipping beats". So much, that I even went to the emergency room because of it.

Concerning the Depression and depersonalization, I seemed to have a hold on it. It never truly goes away. You just have to set your mind on practical matters. And going to school was one of them. I was able to actually set goals.

Another, most important reason for my being able to withstand the mental illness was being with Tabitha. I moved in with Tabitha and her mother in the summer of 96, until I got kicked out by her landlord, because my ol' clunker was broken down in the dirt driveway. They even sent the police. So not wanting to cause trouble, I found a place at the East Side Park Apartments in Capeston. I had asked Tabitha if she wanted to move in with me, and we would try to find jobs this summer and I would go back to school in August.