Why does the Fucking Universe hate me?

Why, if I'm supposed to do this whatever fucking thing I'm supposed to be doing, am I experiencing opposition in just about every fucking endeavor I participate in. We got moved, the SO and my daughter are staying with a dear friend and I have my own apartment just a few houses down. That is Ok. My daughter is really enjoying school. That is Great! I had an opportunity for a part time job in which I would have made near as much as I made full time at my previous tech job. But, with the shit that happened in both that place and the travel job I've mentioned elsewhere, it makes me look a tad undesirable. Those situations were forced on me and I was most definantly wronged. My previous manager before the last job tried to coerce me to not leave, and as such told the travel company that I was not rehirable. I'm sure that is what they said to the potential employer in which I interviewed last week and have not heard from since. I don't know if it's their fault, or if this is just the way fucking VALIS is working. Well, I don't fucking like it. VALIS, watch it, I may soon take myself out of this little fucking game of yours. But alas, it's probably my game, too. VALIS, you motherfucker, I still have bills to pay!

Dissension

I recently traveled to a mountain state for a short term contract in my field. They put me up in a shitty dorm room with communal toilets and shower. The room was horrid and reeked of pipe tobacco smoke. I arrived on a Sunday, and shortly after I arrived for work on Monday began vomiting. I don't know whether it was the "water" in the room's decrepid sink, the smell of pipe tabacco smoke, or simply a 24 hour stomach virus. I left my first day sick and went to a covenient store to buy some bottled water and pepto bismo tablets. While the lady was trying to dispel the static electricity making the plastic bags stick together, I immediately had to place my hand over my mouth. It was not good. I vomited again outside the door to the station, and 3 more times next to my car.

I was supposed to work Monday thru Thursday 10 hour shifts. I was there 2 hours on monday before i had to leave. I offered to just "delete" monday, and start Tuesday thru Friday to make up for Monday. That was agreed upon. I worked two full 10 hour shifts on Tuesday and Thursday, and 1.5 hours on Thursday, before I was called by my company, saying that "I have some unfortunate news, they don't want you there. This is not the appropriate place to talk, so you need to leave "Now" and pack up your things from the dorms".

I drove 20 hours to get there last Friday (Feb 15) and had to leave "immediately" to go back home. Not to mention, I was expecting a full paycheck, because I have checks out to pay for bills, etc.

I turns out that the manager of the institution I was at said there were personality conflicts.
What! She wasn't even there on Tuesday! How the hell could she possibly know? As far as I know, I was getting along well with everyone. Sure, one guy was of the opinion that "liberals" were all bad, and I being liberal on most political and social issues made my case that "we" are not all bad. He's a right-wing conspiracy nut. Good lord, if only he knew. Anyway, we actually had a decent, civil conversation. We even talked about "God". He mentioned how many religions were similar. I concurred and also told him of a bumper sticker I had seen on a website; the one that says: "God is too big to fit inside any one religion" and how I thought it was appropriate.
Well, the manager walked by at the same time. I'm sure she heard it.

The next day is when I got the call from my agency instructing me to leave. See, they had a regular employee that was to start in the middle of March. According to the schedule, she was starting 2 weeks prior to that.

Is it possible that the new employee got there sooner and they wanted to start her ASAP? Why pay an agency contractor if they can make up an excuse for lack of performance, or not learning fast enough, so that they can get out of said contract?

I believe that either that is the case or I am being discriminated upon based on political and religious beliefs.

Now my company may not reimburse me for all the traveling that I've done. I will find out for sure next week when a "review board" meets.

That is just not fair! Now my bank account will have a negative balance because by the time those checks go through I will not have enough in my account. I had to take enough out for the gas home and a hotel room for a night.

I was so enraged and hurt. I'm surprised I even made it home in one piece. I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving, "Why is this happening to me?". I had a funny feeling something like this would happen. It had the eery familiarness as did the Georgia assignment.

I had a dream a couple of months ago while at the Georgia assignment that my account rep called and told me that they could not help me any longer.

It was this account manager (not even the one that was I had been dealing with about the new assignment) that called me and told me I had to get out. He will most likely be the one that will call me with the "boards" decision. I have a feeling that regardless of what I write in my email statement, that this is the way it will go.

You see, VALIS, or something like it is indeed this world's operator, and unfortunately, I am mixed with it somehow. Just like Philip Dick, we were/are thrown in the middle of all this. I just don't know whether we found VALIS or VALIS found us.

I don't know what to do now. I am jobless. My SO freaks out over these issues. She if physically and emotionally and mentally aggressive. If she would give me 6 months to a year to write and publish my first novel, I KNOW that I could make enough to earn a living. Not a great living, but at least enough to help rear my child and continue to do what I know it is that I am supposed to be doing. Writing. At least in part of what I am to do.

Why? Why does it have to be so hard?

To any agents and editors: if you feel VALIS is tugging at you and your are indeed moved to hear what I may have to say; I have several fiction projects in the works. I could have one of them finished very soon. A little interest shown, can move a universe.

Sorry for the Rant.

Coming Soon: VALIS to be seen by the masses

ABC's LOST features thought provoking literary novels as props either being read by a character from LOST or in his/her library. Rumor has it that Philip K Dicks VALIS will be featured in episode 4 of this 4th season. Since I am a definate LOST FAN I am overly delighted. I think Phil would feel the same way. I found this link nearly simultaneously through David Gill's Totaldickhead and just a few minutes later at a LOST fansite. I didn't follow the link to David's source until after I had read David's source myself. So, even though I would have eventually found it myself, thanks, David, for being on top of things.

Shifting Realities are not so Cryptic

In November or December of 2002, while living in the trailer at 507 South Hickory, I had ordered a couple of books by Lawrence Sutin. One was an official biography of PKD, touted as the best one of any other biographies. Another book called "The Shifting Realities of Philip K Dick" was one which had various extraneous writings by Phil. Included were his own authors short biography for book jackets, various essays and a chapter in the proposed sequel to "The Man in the High Castle".

Also included were selections from Phil's Exegesis.

I would like to talk about the section of his Exegesis entitled, and bare with me here please:

"The Ultra Hidden (Cryptic) Doctrine: The Secret Meaning of the Great System of Theosophany of the World, Openly Revealed for the First Time (March 2, 1980)"

Yeah, some title huh? In this section, Phil uses his syncretory abilities to mix religions and mythic systems to come up with a possible "System of the World". Isn't it funny how he goes to extreme in mocking his title within the title itself? That's Phil, alright!

Phil claims to use the "highest sources" in coming to this conclusion, those sources consists of many of the worlds religious doctrines in an attempt to explain 2-3-74. His sensationally revolutionary occult doctrine he has derived is essentially this:

"We are dead but don't know it, reliving our former lives but on tape (programmed), in a simulated world controlled by Valis the master entity or reality generator (like Brahman), where we relive in a virtually closed cycle again and again until we manage to add enough new good karma to trigger off divine intervention, which wakes us up and causes us to simultaneously both remember and forget, so that we can begin our re-ascent back up to our real home. This, then, is purgatorio, the afterlife, and we are under constant scrutiny and judgment, but don't know it, in a perfect simulation of the world we knew and remember--v. Ubik and Lem's paradigm. We have for a long time been dying brains/souls slipping lower and lower through the realms, but the punishment of reliving this bottom-realm life is also an opportunity to add new good karma and break the vicious cycle of otherwise endless reliving of a portion of our former life. This then, the sophia summa of the six esoteric systems-seven if you count alchemy-of the entire world. Eight if you count hermeticism. We are dead, don't know it, and mechanically relive our life in a fake world until we get it right. Ma'at has judged us; we are punished, but we can change the balance...but we don't know we are here to do this, let alone know where we are. We must change the "groove" for the better or just keep coming back, not remembering, not reascending."

The preceding was as quoted in Phil's essay.

I was sitting comfortably on the couch, legs crouched, while reading this passage. Liza was playing or watching tv and Tabby was on the computer. As I was reading this, An overpowering sense of Deja Vu nearly caused me to panic. Everything, the same situation; me reading this particular passage of Phil's Exegesis in exactly the same trailer, sitting the same way. I've had deja vu before, but this nearly caused me to puke. I mean, think about it, having deja vu about reading something discussing deja vu. Okay, quick reality check, a few quick pinches, I'm still here, my daughter is playing happily on the floor in front of me. Okay, read on: This is Quoted below:

Phil: "Therefore it can be reasoned that Valis will show as few times as possible, and, if he does reveal himself to a person, Valis will becloud the situation so that the person cannot make the knowledge he has- hence the real situation- generally well known. (NOTE: This system makes use of my ten-volume meta novel. This is valuable to me.)"

Wow! This is enough of examination of this essay for now. I will go over more later. So Valis will indeed obscure any communication or relationship with it. This is of course, to protect our potentiality, of ending suffering some time or another. If too many people know about it, then the knowledge will impede upon our reawakening, and we may all be doomed to repeated cycling, forever. This is the Law. It can not be undone. I wish things were different, if I could make them would I? I don't know. In this system, everyone is given a chance, and we are all given a chance to help others, to be boddhivistas.

So, Phil, could be insane, or sick, hence Valis is not generally well known. I, myself have had mental issues, been in the hospital a couple of times. Valis again, has obscured itself. Even from me, because I still haven't concluded that I am indeed not insane. I could very well be.

I think it could have been later that night or the next night, but I was reading some more about Phil, the part where he and one of his wives see the "older" Phil at the foot of their bed. In my mind I said, "goddammit, Phil, why won't you show your self to me? Give me a sign or something, show me your here."

All of a sudden my big orange tabby cat, who was laying on the bed beside me, wrapped his teeth around my wrist. The bastard wouldn't let go. I had to spat him unfortunately rather hard for him to let go. What the hell? This was the first time he had ever done that to any of us. Tabby was witness to it, and in a sort of question herself.

Later we found out that most likely he was in heat, and this had started as a result. Male cats will sometimes link onto the females neck by biting on them. Well, we had that fixed, we had him neutered not long after, and that seemed to work just fine. Was this my sign? Some fucking sign, Phil. Thanks. That's okay, it seems I've been playing with some entity my whole life, anyway. It was playful much in Phil's own vein.

It was also around this time, in which I had a dream, that some friends of Phil, I'm assuming family too, were visiting with me in the trailer. We were exchanging theories and what not, when suddenly it became the general consensus that I was the spirit of Jane, his twin sister that had died not long after birth. Great goddammit, why was "I" the girl, was all I could think of. Think of it what you will, but I did have the dream, and I had never before postulated that I could have been Phil's sister, Jane. This could possible explain why I feel like I have written some parts of his earlier works, because I had not been yet born (not till 73). We were like Bill and Edie in "Dr. Bloodmoney". You'll have to read to find out what I mean.

Note: This does not mean that I believe I am/was Jane. It is just one of many possibities.

Valis: The Method

This, to me, is one of the most revealing and sincere quotes that Phil has ever made. Whatever exactly Valis is, it does seem to work this way. It is also one of the many "saving graces" that I attribute to Phil that helped me during a very difficult time. The only con is that when something extraordinary occurs, Valis is always there peeking around the corner, and then tweeking to make a liar out of ya'. Oh well, what will be, Will Be.

Here it is:

"Therefore it can be reasoned that Valis will show as few times as possible, and, if he does reaveal himself to a person, Valis will becloud the situation so that the person cannot make the knowledge he has- hence the real situation- generally well known."

Alienus Tractus

They say that when you are in the throes of mental illness, when you are truly crazy, that you are unaware of what the reality of the situation really is. That you are totally immersed in and absorbed by irrationality and delusion. So that must indeed settle it then. I am not crazy, or mentally ill. Somewhat confused, possibly; for I live in two worlds, now. A KOINOS KOSMOS and an IDIOS KOSMOS, the shared reality and a personal reality. There are some that probably will think that when the IDIOS KOSMOS weights more heavily then you are crazy. I would like to say that is a possibility, but would also add that if your IDIOS KOSMOS is not in alignment with the KOINOS KOSMOS then you may not be balanced. You are missing part of the picture. You can't have your yin without your yan. I have a healthy dose of IDIOS KOSMOS and should be balanced, but I am not. There has been an assault on my faculties and for some reason, I am not in control as I used to be. There is Another; another me, that seeks to restore balance, but in doing so, has shaken the very fabric of my reality, and I would argue, the KOINOS KOSMOS as well, except for that it is still hidden, but in place. Occult. Waiting for the opportunity when its interest would be best served. This great delivering force, of which one particular science fiction writer referred to as VALIS, must have considered June 23, 2002 to be such an opportunity.