18 Years

Today marks the 18th year that I have been in a chronic "depersonalized" state. I'd like to say I've overcame some part of it, been somewhat successful, but alas, I can not at this point. I haven't had a steady job in almost a year, the Universe seems to be "dicking" me around. Ironic huh? 3-4 months behind on my car payment, don't have the rent, been out of blood pressure medicine for 2 months, out of my pain medication for my back issues, can't afford to go to the doctor. Getting my Effexor from someone else, luckily.

I drank a one liter bottle of Vodka within 3 hours the other night after taking an Ambien. I'm usually not a drinker. Passed out at SO's and her roommates. Jumped a 10 foot porched, walked a block to my place, trashed it, scared the bejeezus out of my cat, tried to stab myself with a kitchen knife (two marks on my stomach and a broken knife on the floor amidst the broken flourescent light; don't remember hardly any of it), then took off for a walk (downtown and then to the local Walmart (about 4 miles away) and back) all in 15-20 degree F. temp wearing boots, thin shorts, tank top and windbreaker. Swayed into traffic a couple of times (I was sober at that point). Some night. Needless to say, my liver was sore Friday and Saturday, not to mention the rest of my body from the walk and jump and ?????




I went to the theater and watched "The Day the Earth Stood Still". Decent Scifi remake. Special FX good.

At the beginning it shows a Keanu Reeves character uncovering an ET sphere somewhere in ice (forgot where exactly). Anyhoo, this is how the ET gets copy of DNA. The year was 1928. This movie was released on Phil's Bday, 12-12. (Entered 12-18-08 - Even though I got the Phil's Bday wrong, the following still stands.) Interesting. Coincidence, perhaps; but in my world I can't take anything for granted. I think long and hard about how I could be an ET beacon, or a passive or active Intelligence of some sort, benign or not. Like Phil's story Impostor, am I a ticking timebomb ready to detonate. Will the correct sequence of phrases or actions activate me?
NSA, CIA, FBI, DIA, etc., you should all be interested, very interested.

Am I A Cylon?

I finished watching Battlestar Galactica yesterday up to season 4 episode 10. Some eerie frakin shit going down. Gods dammit! I'm feeling that air of familiarity again. Jesus, that bagpipe tune. My anamnesis was similar, but it is still going on. Reminds me of the time in 2002 when I watched Impostor and when Olum Spensor looks inside of the alien ship and he sees his wife. Bam, the deja vu hit me very hard then. Also, in Alias, when one of the characters' wife is a double agent for SD6. I knew it! And it was more than just a hunch. While watching original Battlestar Galactica, in 2002, I had an eerie feeling Adama and Apollo enter the Carillon planet and discover a casino where the patron "always wins". At that time I was thinking about my entire life situation and saying to myself "somethings not right", Apollo say's "Somethings not right here". The gods be damned! Imagine That!

That, coupled with all the other experiences I have had, I am left to believe that either myself, or my SO is a Cylon. Well, perhaps not a Cylon, but an Impostor at the very least. Note that I am not saying that the Impostor is bad per say, but not what it is supposed to be. I am so conflicted! Not that I totally believe it, but, I know something is going on with me. And yes, I know crazy is most definitely an option. BTW, my SO is not in any danger. Whatever this may be, I've fought hard not to let the paranoia "trigger" an unexpected response. This counter-intuitive is VALIS or a VALIS-like entity.

Who or ... what, the Frak am I? Huh?

Impostor

A few days after that I rented a video on VHS called Impostor. It was a movie based on one of Phil's short stories. Essentially the movie goes like this: a man who works for the government in weapons is chased down because the government thinks he is an android impostor. It's what the new alien threat is. They like to play dress up with human likeness. Anyway, the Earth's shield is breached as an alien ship crash lands somewhere in dense forest, near the city. And because of Spenser Ollums close proximity to the chancellor, and other decoded and deciphered messages, they have reason to believe that Ollum is a fake. Ollum, however, is convinced that he is not a fake.

The chase is on. Ollum's wife, Mia, is a physician at one of the local hospitals, and as such, both of them know quite a few physicians. Ollum contacts one of such acquaintances and arranges for a body scan to prove his innocence, and that there is no bomb inside him. He is on the chase again before the scan finishes. He arranges to meet with his wife where they first met, which was also where they had spent the last weekend and is near where the Centaurian ship crash landed Quickly following Mia is the government, which sneaks up on them. Ollum and his wife quickly dash away and look for the alien craft. They find it not too far from where they were. After they clear debris around the hatch, they open it. Inside is Ollum's wife, Mia, throat apparently slit. Lifeless. Ollum looks at Mia in surprise, as she backs away, in disbelief of her new identity.

When they first open the hatch and we see the real, dead Mia I had an immense feeling of deja vu wash over me. It's like I had watched that movie before, right here in this spot with Tabby. It was so real of a memory it was unbelievable, even for me. Back to the movie. One of the other officers calls out the leads name to get him to come over. The lead does. Apparently it was another hatch, and when opened it revealed Ollum, himself. The real Ollum Spencer. The lead looks at the real Ollum and then back at the impostor Ollum the impostor sees himself in the hatch, and leashes out a horrid expression of disbelief. Then a bomb explodes, incinerating everything within probably a twenty mile radius.

The movie was dark, as well as the concept and overall theme, which Philip Dick constantly expounds upon in his stories and novels. But that moment of deja vu, it was incredible.