18 Years

Today marks the 18th year that I have been in a chronic "depersonalized" state. I'd like to say I've overcame some part of it, been somewhat successful, but alas, I can not at this point. I haven't had a steady job in almost a year, the Universe seems to be "dicking" me around. Ironic huh? 3-4 months behind on my car payment, don't have the rent, been out of blood pressure medicine for 2 months, out of my pain medication for my back issues, can't afford to go to the doctor. Getting my Effexor from someone else, luckily.

I drank a one liter bottle of Vodka within 3 hours the other night after taking an Ambien. I'm usually not a drinker. Passed out at SO's and her roommates. Jumped a 10 foot porched, walked a block to my place, trashed it, scared the bejeezus out of my cat, tried to stab myself with a kitchen knife (two marks on my stomach and a broken knife on the floor amidst the broken flourescent light; don't remember hardly any of it), then took off for a walk (downtown and then to the local Walmart (about 4 miles away) and back) all in 15-20 degree F. temp wearing boots, thin shorts, tank top and windbreaker. Swayed into traffic a couple of times (I was sober at that point). Some night. Needless to say, my liver was sore Friday and Saturday, not to mention the rest of my body from the walk and jump and ?????




I went to the theater and watched "The Day the Earth Stood Still". Decent Scifi remake. Special FX good.

At the beginning it shows a Keanu Reeves character uncovering an ET sphere somewhere in ice (forgot where exactly). Anyhoo, this is how the ET gets copy of DNA. The year was 1928. This movie was released on Phil's Bday, 12-12. (Entered 12-18-08 - Even though I got the Phil's Bday wrong, the following still stands.) Interesting. Coincidence, perhaps; but in my world I can't take anything for granted. I think long and hard about how I could be an ET beacon, or a passive or active Intelligence of some sort, benign or not. Like Phil's story Impostor, am I a ticking timebomb ready to detonate. Will the correct sequence of phrases or actions activate me?
NSA, CIA, FBI, DIA, etc., you should all be interested, very interested.