Desperado

How many more times and in what ways must the Universe show me my way? Alter my course? Should I keep denying the inevitable? Let go? Give in? Surrender? Fight? A call to arms? A treaty, a truce?

How many possible worlds are there? How many realities? As long as there is still a possibility that all this could still be a coincidence, a play on statistics, I must remain skeptical. Until I feel... I know intuitively, then I'll keep searching, wandering, wondering...

About 10 weeks ago I was traveling to Missouri after having spent about two weeks in and around Taos, New Mexico. I had almost secured a roommate situation in Taos. Something for which I went to Taos from Pennsylvania with the intention of doing.

Despite feeling very much at home, there was much uncertainty and ambiguity about my being there at that particular time. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. Therefor I set out from New Mexico to Missouri where I had planned to spend a little time with family while looking for my own place nearby. At least while I recoup.  

I was brokenhearted leaving New Mexico. I really wanted it to work. Living on such a beautiful and spiritual land and being around so many others of like mind was something I felt I needed at that juncture. If circumstances were different it would have been ideal. However great it seemed beginning again, even in such a wondrous place, seemed more stressful than I had imagined.

Living in Missouri would allow me to be with family in the general area I grew up. An area I was familiar with. My Missouri family and I aren't the closest but even that is a small price when one needs rest and a little support, even if it's unspoken.  It was also closer to Pennsylvania where my daughter currently resides. It's ironic that I can't be near the one I love more than any other. She's in her senior year of high school. She and her mother come to visit in Missouri a few times a year, which will provide me more visiting opportunities.  Pennsylvania has too many negative memories for me. It seems I am not meant to live there under my current circumstance, if any.

Being on the road, living in a car, even though exciting as it can sometimes be, can also a lonely venture. I felt I needed somewhere to stay for a while, to work on what it is I feel I'm here to do. My purpose. And part of that purpose is to write. So it was the frame of mind of regret, confusion, and reluctance in which I set out leaving the Land of Enchantment on the afternoon of August 16.

The drive to Missouri wasn't nearly exciting as the drive to New Mexico. I felt as if I was retreating, tail between my legs. Perhaps all I was meant to do was to get in touch with the land again. I did begin hearing the Hum again, after a two or three month absence. I am currently hearing it (very potently, I should say). I'll say more about that in a subsequent post. 

Was it really surprising that the Universe should send me another message? I was about 30 miles east of Tulsa, Oklahoma about 1:15 in the morning when the phenomenon occurred. About an hour before that I had been listening to 92.9 BOB FM and had use the seek function to tune in another station for a bit. I pushed the seek button again around 1:15 and it immediately tuned to 92.9 BOB FM. I looked at the LED display and to the left of the station information I saw my name "Marvin" in the display. It remained for a second or two although I'm uncertain of the exact duration. The song playing was "The Heart of Rock & Roll" by Huey Lewis & The News. The song must have been halfway through because about a minute later "Desperado" by The Eagles began playing. Curiously, it was "Desperado" that attracted my attention rather than the song playing at the time I saw my name.

Desperado seemed to be my state of mind throughout my entire life. Always searching for what I'm supposed to be doing on my own. Never having anyone to lean on. Perhaps it was time for me to realize that I didn't have to do this on my own. Whatever that means...

A few days after I had reached my destination I phoned the station to inquire about the playlist for that evening. I'm not quick to jump to thoughtless conclusions so some research was in order. I thought perhaps a song by Marvin Gay or any other artist sharing our name could have aired immediately before "The Heart of Rock & Roll". Unfortunately the playlist was unavailable. I believe if there was a radio personality with my name the lady I spoke with at the station would have informed me, especially after I had explained the situation.

If that situation was indeed meant for me, am I on the right path in my interpretation? Is it so baseless? By what mechanism was this message relayed to me? Was it a time manipulation, in that myself and other external events were situated so that I would see that at that particular time? If so, then it would appear not to be a manipulation of events by a conscious entity. How can one differentiate this from coincidence? If this was a manipulation not involving time travel how could this have happened? Who is my hacker? Where are they from? Was this done benevolently or malevolently? What do they want? 

As evident, my experiences often incite more questions than knowledge. I wonder if I should be tackling these mysteries and puzzles by different strategies.